In this episode, we welcome back Kantionette and Kendra to the show. Who picks who, the man or the woman? We talk about this, flirting, how men and women get someone's attention, and more. As always to be a part of the conversation you can find us on Facebook and Instagram @RickAndNamon. You can find Rick @Doddsism and Namon @IAmTheDjBlue.
Make sure you follow our guests and check out their podcasts.
You can follow Kantoinette @Kantoinette_TheBlogger / @Lets_Build_Futures and you can check out her podcast, LBF Podcast here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lbf-podcast/id1489114690
You can follow Kendra @CoffeeWithKendra. We were on her first two episodes of her podcast so make sure you check her out. You can find her podcast, Coffee with Kendra here: https://coffeewithkendra.buzzsprout.com
Richard Dodds 0:00
This relationship talks with Ric and naman, I am Rick, and I'm apparently really happy to be here.
I'm the DJ booth.
Richard Dodds 0:07
Oh, he's really happy to be here. It must be our two guests because it's not me certainly. Absolutely not. Returning to the show, we have Kay Antoinette, a blogger. Also, we have Kendra on coffee with Kendra. Whoo.
Hey, I'm back.
I look at her. Like it was the same one too. I wanted to be equal to me. Yeah, it was the same. Did I really see, I should have just recorded in
Richard Dodds 0:41
Toronto right now. We're ready to go. So my question is, is that who's choosing who? And when and relationships men and women talking about heterosexual relationships? Who chooses who? So we have the guise of pants and a woman's a pan? Let's just start around a table who actually chooses who talks to who in the relationship to the man usually pick? Or do the women usually pick and I see canceled, let's face she looks like she has something she wants to say. Seems like she has a deep
about relationships, then wouldn't it be they choose each other. Because one person has to receive what the other person is
Richard Dodds 1:16
dishing out right. But who are know who started out, though, that's
initiation is I don't know, it's kind of like a dance. Like, I feel like whoever initiates they, they still go based off of whatever that person is allowing it inviting into their space. So it might be a look across the room. That signals a guy that it's okay for them to come over and talk to you. Or it could be a woman approaching a man and sparking a conversation. But the conversation is only only continued through the willingness of the man. So I feel like it's a lot of times mutual when you're talking about getting to the point of a relationship. But as far as who initiates first, I mean, historically has always been men, or more likely been men. I think that's changing a lot. Now,
Richard Dodds 2:01
I think that's a misnomer.
I would see that
as the truth in that because I don't know.
Richard Dodds 2:09
Let us look like what is misnomer?
Because we talked about usually, these sh t words a misnomer. I feel like that's the hypothesis in which you're correct. Like, come on. I feel like that's a misnomer. Come on. Now,
I'll let you ever capillary because I'm that person. Okay. But I don't know, I feel like I don't think that I think that it's more towards men to take the initiative. Um, but I think it's changing now because women realize they have a right to go out and be hunters as well. Um, but I mean, when
Richard Dodds 2:46
it comes to lions, a lioness I don't want to hunt. So it's, it's true. It's true. Kendra, what
you got Watson discovery?
Richard Dodds 2:54
I mean, you got that discovery plus.
I got discovery plus two. I don't think I utilize it, but I have it, I think I will say, put mostly is the woman who chooses. And I say this because the man is going to chase after what it is that he wants. But if the woman doesn't accept it, then she you're not chosen, right? So if if a couple guys is after the same woman, and she only chooses that one guy she chose so she's the chooser. But just like Kay Antonette just stated that is changing. And women are, you know, becoming the hunters. I'm totally against this. I just have to say that. But women are doing that. And in that case, I think it does change the dynamic. But I feel like to a degree a woman, a man could be in a position to choose as well. Right? So if a man has so many options that let's say like a well established, good looking man has lots of lots of options. Then in that case, I think he would be the chooser right? Because he has so many women who would be in a sense saucing after him. Then he chooses.
Richard Dodds 4:16
Nice. That's a very good point of view. And I think that's I think there's a lot of truth into that before I get my opinion is the Mr. I am the GJ blue over here. The Magic Man. The Magic Man, the Magic Man. Magic Man. What do you got, sir?
Um, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I see. Okay. Um, uh, yeah. I'm trying to think because I don't I don't really know. I would say for me, it's weird for me when a when a female approaches me. Uh huh. Or it was like, it's just weird. Because I mean, it is. Yeah. And I'm cool with it. Don't get me wrong. I just find it is strange. So if I don't No. Right, it turns is it's weird because it's like, hey, and I'm be honest with you anytime. Because I'm actually, I'm actually currently not even avoiding a situation right now. But anytime a female like, pursues me, it kind of pushes me away. And I know, please, it's really weird. But anytime a female pursues me, it pushes me away. And I don't know why. But honestly, and like I said, I've been discovering more about myself, my commitment issues and things like that. And I think that's a part of it. And I think, and I don't, I mean, I would say definitely, I take the blame for, you know, the, the moving away part. But I think society as has painted that thing, like, I'm supposed to find my mate, like, I'm supposed to, literally look for my mate, I'm supposed to walk up to this woman, and I'm supposed to say, Hey, how you doing? Like, can I get to know you? Bla bla, bla, bla, bla. And then I, in my mind, and it's something that probably has to be reversed. In my mind. I think like, Wait, she's supposed to, what are you waiting for me? Yeah, you know, as opposed to coming from me, which by all means, I think that it's okay for a woman to approach a man and and, and choose or make that decision. And it's, it's okay, but it for me? I would say it is is weird. Like,
I mean, of course, it's gonna feel uncomfortable.
Richard Dodds 6:27
I think it's more nuanced than that.
I do too. I feel like as in, you have a sense of control over the situation when you are able to be the hunters, right? So if a woman is approaching you, is like this, we have power dynamics in the smallest exchanges with each other. Yeah, right. And it doesn't mean it's a good thing or a bad thing. It just means it exists. And so when you have a woman that, you know, is assertive enough to approach a man, it can be off putting, because he's not used to that he's been taught and conditioned to think that he is the one that's supposed to choose, and she is the one that's supposed to be chosen. And I don't have
Richard Dodds 7:06
so much dynamic on it. Yeah. Like she chose. Yeah,
I'm all for women choosing because we see that waiting to be chosen hat comes with his own set of risks. Right? So you just are reduced to whoever is is the second for you look at you at that point. Instead of choosing for yourself,
you just basically sitting there waiting, and then the what is the biological clock continues to tick. I mean, that's real. That's real. Because to be honest with you, and that's, that's something I guess that a lot of the women that has dealt with me when they were putting on series, because the thing is, I mean, I I'm in a situation right now, where I'm currently not, I wouldn't say I'm avoiding anybody, but I would just say I'm more or less, I'm more or less responding. And then a situation that I had last month, some somebody had asked me to go somewhere with him. And I was like, Alright, cool. I'll do that. And then when they came, like said they like, doctor, like the whole week. Wow. And I know it was messed up. And realistically, it was really jacked up. But I made such a charmer. I know anything is but I'm not really used to people like and planning things with me because then I have to commit to their schedule, and this commitment. Commitment. Right now, though. I'm saying I'm saying as far as that she she was pursuing me. And for me, I was cool with it. I was totally cool with it. But my actions totally show just the opposite.
Richard Dodds 8:45
I got you, like I said, so I said, I felt like a subtle nuances to it. And I feel like it's a difference and aggressiveness sometimes. But I felt like a lot of times even when we approach a woman, a lot of times we get the the subtleties that you guys throw to us get our attention. So I mean, whether it's the things that you wear, or the eye, the eye contact that you make, or the subtle gestures that you make, or whatever it is, I feel like a lot of times you're doing, a lot of women intend to do things that let someone know that it's okay to approach them. And that's why that's why I came up with the question who's hunting who because a lot of times, guys will think it's their idea. And the woman has, like I'm about to get this do and then they do the things to get this guy's attention. And there's really like, they plan to get this guy's attention the whole time. And we're thinking like, oh, I want to holler at her, but we think it is our original idea. And a lot of times it's not, I mean, I'm not saying that that's every time but sometimes that seems to be the situation. I feel like when name is talking about powders more about women being more aggressive and actually coming out and being more forward. Yeah, yes, but I feel like there's a difference because I feel like like women with a lot of control and power that that is really subtle, and it doesn't have to be spoken out. And I feel like there's something attractive about a woman that can get your attention and make it seem like it's your idea. Mm hmm,
exactly. It's always 100% the truth.
Richard Dodds 10:15
It plays into our ego really 100% like being a really plays into our egos. And it plays into this basic instinct that we have, where we have to be the ones that pursue the woman. But it's beautiful. So it kind of like so. So going deeper into that, it kind of goes a lot of different ways. Because as women who are super aggressive, where they'll come right on be like, hey, I want to talk to you, whatever. And there's women who like, give you that glance, and they'll give you a wink, and they'll like, you'll be talking to them, and they touch your arm really gently for like a second. And you'd be like, Yo, like, like, I really want to holler at her. So it's a lot of different ways to go about it. And so so there's a saying that within 10 seconds, a woman knows whether or not she wants to be with a man or not. Do you think that's, I mean, that's that's
to say, no, no, no, absolutely not.
Richard Dodds 11:02
But actuality, the science says that within 90 seconds, 90 seconds, a woman knows whether whether or not she wants to be with a man or not. I've seen the guy being approached by him. I don't know the exact exact stats, but I'm thinking after being approached by them, do you feel like there's any truth in that?
I mean, we all size each other up? You know, you're seeing how the person dress, how they look? How, you know, what's their hygiene, like? And this is all from, you know, very little interaction, you can see this from across the room. And then what is your personal preference for attraction, right. So I guess that can be true. I feel like that is more saying like, you'll be open to giving the person a chance, rather than just knowing for sure if you're trying to because sometimes I won't know for sure if I'm attracted to a person. And so I actually talk to them. So I can look at them maybe physically attractive. But as far as like any other level of attraction and actually seeing if we're compatible, I don't know.
Richard Dodds 11:57
So what about after, like, a conversation like talking to that person? Have you ever met someone? And it's like, oh, wow, like I really, I really could see myself being with them. After talking to them for like, a minute or two minutes or 30 minutes, whatever it might be.
Yeah, at least I can say I can see myself dating this person to be his deepest relationship. I don't think I've been struck that hard
Richard Dodds 12:19
for like, 90 seconds is like 90 seconds is not that long.
I mean, but you know, to be honest, I have I have been the type. Like, when I see somebody, I copied everything, like literally just real quick. Just yeah. So I mean, maybe scientifically, for some women, that's a thing. But
Richard Dodds 12:36
I think there's danger and that narrative, just because when you're making that decision quick. I've been with the one with some some of the women that I've been with when they met me and I like oh, he's the one. And it's like, you've only known me for a day. Oh, yeah. So it's a lot it's a lot of danger and thinking that you've met someone that checks all the boxes and the person that you want to be with because you're just meeting like that. It's like a driver's license. You just got to be good for that one day it does not reflect how you're going to drive the rest of your life. Yeah. Once you got the sound came back
up in parallel park,
Richard Dodds 13:08
man, get out of here.
See, I feel like this either 10 to 90 seconds. I don't know if I'm gonna want to be with you. Okay, in 90 days, I may not know if I want to be with you. And that's all honestly, because maybe it's just because I you know, I've been fooled before so like, I know that it's gonna take more than that amount of time. Now what I will say in about 10 seconds I'll know if I want to have sex with you or now I want to have sex with you doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship with you and it doesn't mean that I'm going to have sex with you. I just know Yeah, I'll have sex with that guy. It doesn't mean it's gonna happen or it's not going to happen but there's no way in hell I can decide if I want to be with a man in 10 to 90 seconds that's a no
Richard Dodds 13:56
so speaking in a situation like saying that are you know if you want to have sex with somebody in 10 seconds has it ever been a guy that she's like, oh, yeah, like I want that and then they mess it up by talking
Yes. Yes, shut up sometimes guys like good and bad.
Sometimes like talking too much sometimes but you just mess it up for both because now like you just taught yourself right out right please
you know and what reason my song that Adele song you could have had it but you just couldn't shut up, man. I'm turned off
Richard Dodds 14:43
Like I think a lot we once you get into people and they start talking about like the in depth stuff and you start realizing you have less in common and yeah, oh yeah. When it becomes a thing. 30 seconds has to only be talking about fiscal tracks. Yeah,
Richard Dodds 15:01
I mean, pretty much I think about women that I've been attracted to. And then we, when you start talking, I'm like, oh, like your vocabulary is not quite there. And
that's a misnomer. Vocabulary change you all. This guy
just written me you have the same shoes because I promise you, I say a sentence sometimes. And if you ask me what a word means, so many times, I'm just like, okay,
resume, she meant to resume. She's retarded, like, That's not nice. She meant resume, I'm sure she meant, Boo. Boo de, like, get out of here.
Richard Dodds 15:48
I mean, this is real talk. But I mean, like that kind of stuff. But I mean, we're just really getting to know someone and knowing that personality because when you see somebody physically, you start to attach traits to them. Whether or not it's fair or not, you started with oh, this person looks educated. They look like they are really reserved, and then you meet them like, oh, not quite what
I was thinking about the topic. And as far as like you saying that women give men like, you know, signals? No, you know, they're invited to approach right. But sometimes that starts with men. That's true. Like, how many times have we kids? Or how many times have you looked up in a guy staring at you and you realize, like, okay, he's attractive. So let me give him a signal to let him know, it's okay. Sometimes even that starts with men.
Richard Dodds 16:35
That's kind of like a dance all the way around.
It doesn't last it like
this. I'm sorry, at the same time. But because at the same time, you know, I could just be like, You know what, today, you know, I'm about to catch me. I'm gonna put on you know, I'm gonna put on my little sexy, but not too sexy dress, right? I'm just go out and run some errands. And I'm gonna look and I'm gonna smell and I'm gonna do Kendra and I'm invite you in. So, you know, depending on you know who it is, and what that day is, today might be the day where I'm inviting you. So I'm choosing today, today we choose. Okay?
Richard Dodds 17:15
That's, that's real. I mean, I feel like a lot of times when I go out, like if I've gone out and like to met a woman, a lot of times, I'm not dressed to impress, it's kind of like, I'm wearing whatever. And I really just don't care whether it's and I've always been like that when I went to parties and stuff like that. I just put on whatever and that like, my boys didn't like, dress and I'm like, yeah, man, I'm just gonna throw a sweatshirt on. I feel like it's worked for me because I'm just me, you know what I'm saying? And
I also feel like I also feel like men don't really need to leave when we don't either because we know that you guys appreciate us with less, you know, you know, the the whole you know, sweats in the T shirts. Yeah, exactly. We know you appreciate that. But, you know, I like to do it you know, I'm gonna feel good and I'm gonna feel good that y'all keep looking when I walked by all of that stuff. So it's not just about you guys and we know that I think to the greed men don't really have to look a certain way to for us to find them attractive like we either find you attractive right? You don't I'm not gonna be like oh, he is dressed to a tee he attractive to me and I don't see it like that. But he is a show on Saturday, you know, show off our figure and that's gonna draw more me into us but you guys can't necessarily do the same
Richard Dodds 18:27
man real talk. I'll put on the suit. I felt like he will say a different time.
That's what Oh, ladies will say.
Depending on how you dress depends on what you attract to because it's just like women and how you know different hairstyles send different signals, right? So if I got a brace and I go out, I might get a different quality of men as opposed to me going out with my fro or me having a sewing or you know, different kinds of stuff. Yeah, same thing is true with clothes. You know, get a different kind of man with you know, a body con dress on as opposed to me going out with some, you know, some slacks in a shirt, you know, whatever I might have on that day. So it's all about choice. And I think the important part is that both men and women are realizing that they have a choice, and they can be empowered in that and they can you know, they can go on the hunt, when they feel like it and they can lay back and let somebody else hunt them when they feel like it and it's all about whatever you wake up and decide you want to do that day.
Richard Dodds 19:27
Oh man, that's real. That's a great point. It's kind of like a tango so thinking about your last few relationships everybody Kendra and canceling that y'all feel like the last few relationships y'all been in that you kind of chose that you wanted to be with that person? Or do you feel like that person kind of chose that they wanted to be with you or was it just like something that you just fell into? I say that well as
it's a great question is interesting because to make me think about this, I've been thinking about this for the last couple of years. And usually honestly, they have chosen me because I wasn't necessarily crazy about them. You know, so but it was more so than pushing the relationship. And I don't mean pushing it, like, you know, being pushy about it, but it was them, you know, that was the wrestler and the one who wanted to, you know, bring the relationship and make it a thing. And I was just kind of like, yeah, you know, my last choice and I'm like, cool. I like you, you know, but, you know, I was still seeing other why was I can't say I was like seeing other people but like, to me it to me in my head. My options were still open because I hadn't put all my eggs in his basket. But he came and was like, yeah, like, I want to be in a relationship with you. And, you know, you know, I want to make this official and I was just like, What the hell? I didn't know he was that serious.
Richard Dodds 20:41
You're not You're not messing with nobody else. Oh, cuz I've been.
Cuz I wasn't messing with somebody else. But I in my head. I just wasn't that serious about him. But I was like, Okay, well, you know, I do like him. He's cool. Okay, we'll be together, you know, and the last relationship before that, huh? I said, it's not even funny. Yeah, I need to stop doing that. It's not even funny. Because the relationship before that was the same thing. It was like, you know, he was being good to me. And, you know, I didn't see a reason not to be with him. But it wasn't like, in my head. I wasn't like, Well, I really want to be with this guy. I was, damn, come on, I really want to be with you. So I have to say they chose me and it was and then, you know, in my self reflection years, I'm like, Kendra, you gotta stop doing that. Because you ended up you ended up relationships that are not necessarily bad. But it's like, if we're not going in wanting each other. I think that's an issue and it hasn't been for me because it's like, you always want me and I don't really necessary. I'm kind of like, okay, you know, you're
Richard Dodds 21:45
gonna be that dude in a relationship where the woman is with me because she was.
You know what I would have to say, it's almost a story of my life, to be honest.
But I gotta agree with Kendra. So for, for me, on my end, I did a self reflection probably a year or two ago, and I realized that I had always allowed myself to be chosen. Because I mean, that's as, as women. That's what we're conditioned to think that we're supposed to do. Right. And with my last connection with a man, he pursued me, I hadn't been looking at him, he let me know that he had been looking at me for a while. I was just like, Oh, okay. Well, you know, I guess I'll start looking at you now. And then you assess the person and you decide, okay, well, it's not that bad in love with the person. Yeah, like, it's not that bad. Because you because you didn't choose, right. So you just, you just already offered, it's not great. But I'm looking at like, Okay, this is what's being offered to me, I think I can work with this. Let me see if I like it, and it fallen for him. But the problem was, we weren't compatible. And that's the risk you run when you don't choose. So with this, you know, last connection that I'm currently in, we kind of chose each other, because I wasn't rushing in, and I don't care how much you like me. And he wasn't rushing in, you know, and we both have mutual interest in each other. And then we chose each other once we decided to take that next step. But that's why it's important for you to kind of make that decision for yourself. And especially for women, it's okay to want to feel like the prize, but you got to know that you already are regardless. So if you want to go out there and choose and I can't say that it's something I've actually done, like go and pursue a man. But if you want to go and do it, I would encourage you to because you have so many other options available to you when you do that, because you're going based off of not only appearance, hopefully, but also a lot of other factors that you might not necessarily account for when they're just approaching you.
Richard Dodds 23:48
I feel like that comes with maturity. That's a very mature statement to make. Because a lot of times we'll just see something that looks good. And it's like this seems good. This looks good. All right, why not? Like why not just go ahead and go through with that. But it really takes some patience to really understand that. You want to be chosen. Yes. But you also want to choose the person that is choosing you and realize that both of you need to be the price we'll
see. I never know like, I never felt like I wasn't surprised. I just felt like and I still feel this way, right? I feel like if the if my Mr. Right comes along, and I feel like I'm not in a good place to be with him, then I need to make myself be in a good place to be with him. Because you never know when that person is going to come along. And honestly, I feel like in those situations, I'm weird. I'll be like, I'll be in a place and I'll be like, Well, I'm not ready for a relationship right now. You know, and I'll just be you know, not trying to be in a relationship right now. But there's room in most situations. I feel like in the last situation, I felt like okay, well I'm not exactly ready, but I'm not not ready. So I'll kind of like keep the door open. That's when I ended up in those situations. And it's not because I don't feel like I'm, I'm not the prize, but it's just because I guess I wasn't completely up to do the thing, you know, to go out there. And you know, I wasn't really putting myself out there. So it just kind of just happened. So I can't say I don't feel like I'm not a prize. I know damn, well, I'm a prize. And I've always known.
Richard Dodds 25:20
I guess that was really do what you said. So yeah.
Sometimes can have this effect where you're playing this, this part where you're trying to make sure you don't stand in your own way. Like you said, like, sometimes you might not feel like you want to go out there on the hunt. But at the same time, you got something good in front of you. And you just like, I don't know if I should pass it up. Yeah, I think that's a lot of people story too. And, and that's what makes it one of those things where you just, you know, you got to be careful and make sure that even if the other person is is choosing you that you're choosing them back to that, yeah,
Richard Dodds 25:54
that takes a lot of discipline to be in a spa, because I'm recently found myself in that spot where it's like, I'm not necessarily looking today, but I'm not necessarily not looking to date. And, like dating people that are of quality, and it's like, they want to hop, they want to talk to me, but at the same time, I'm not feeling like that. And it's like, I feel like in the past, it would have been easy to be like, alright, let's kick it, you know, let's see what happens. But like now, in my maturity, I'm kind of like, No, you know, I'm not really there. And I don't want to force it because I feel like the situation will not go very smooth. If I'm just like, Hey, okay, let's just do this. And
because you know what that's called? What's that? That's called sending the wrong signal. I thought. That's exactly exactly what
Richard Dodds 26:43
it was called settling. But
he's like, No, it's just me saying, Okay, no, that's called I'm leading someone on that's exactly what that terminology
girl on a date. She was gonna have a date with you and
Richard Dodds 27:02
I was talking about you, sir. Oh,
wait. Wait, wait a minute.
Richard Dodds 27:07
I look like they attacking Richard.
I just jumped on a wait a beat myself.
Richard Dodds 27:17
Sir, who didn't
go? Well, we're not gonna do today's attack me. That's what everybody commitment issues. Me and my therapist have talked about it. Okay. Yeah. Okay.
Richard Dodds 27:29
I mean, so this kind of like plays into what I was saying earlier, Kendra, you had kind of hit something earlier, I posted something on my Instagram earlier. And what it said was that you can't fill a broken vessel, you can't be filled with love if you're still broken from previous heartbreak. And then I kind of elaborate I say, No one can give you what you are ready to receive. If you're upset and haven't found love yet, make sure that you are preparing to receive the love that you're searching for. So when that actually happens, you can appreciate it and accept it. Yes. And I feel like a lot of people are broken in that they Oh, he given me the snaps, snaps with awakeness of it. I feel like a lot of people are broken and they trying to get filled up, but you can only fill up a broken face as high as the crack is. So I when I said it,
sorry, poetic, poetic.
Richard Dodds 28:21
So as a lot of times will be broken. And we'll be trying to man but we'll find something that we think we can't pass up on and they'll choose us. But we're not really choosing and we just choose to be partially filled, instead of mending the B
word. Sometimes we just addicted to be in somebody's choice. Everybody wants to feel desired. Like everybody wants to be chosen, right? And so you get more addicted to being that person's choice than you are to really like being into that person. Mm hmm. And that becomes a thing. And that was something I did for a lot of my 20s If I'm honest, just wanting to be someone's choice and feeling like, okay, because I didn't know I was the prize wanted to feel like that in someone else's eyes. And you know, going based off of how they were moving in my life, and instead of choosing myself first because that's where it starts, you got to choose yourself first and then you choose a partner. that's right for you. That's real.
Yeah, yeah. So there's definitely a lot of truth to that post that you posted. I know for sure women do. I'm pretty sure this is an everybody thing. But I feel like you know, when we go looking to fill a void, and we think, you know, if I just you know, if I just have a significant other, you know, that'll just complete me or that'll take care of that void in my life. And you end up being in a relationship and you end up being not happy in that relationship because you weren't able to make yourself happy. You weren't able to heal yourself already. So you go seeking somebody else to do that. And then on top of that, that person becomes responsible for your happiness, right? So when that person in you you and that person is in the argument, you guys are not getting along. Now you're no longer happy because you don't have self happiness to begin with. And I'm saying this because I know there's a way too many People in my family, close family who do this and move in that sense, and like hands on that said, when a woman doesn't feel like when you're not brought up and you're like, you don't already know that I'm a prize, then you do go out and seeking, okay? Well if I'm in a relationship, I'm somebody surprised. Somebody values me, you know, and you seek that validation from others when you have to get it from yourself first,
Richard Dodds 30:23
Hey, you said a lot and not sad
about the fact that you are in a relationship you have to continue to choose each other. I just think it stops like and I think that's an important part like yeah, once you you know, get past those little cute moments. You know, the honeymoon, why you have to continuously choose each other, it has to be a conscious choice every single day and it looks different it might be the small details you know, the simple stuff but you have to continuously make a choice to have that other person there and to also make sure you're giving yourself what you need as well.
Richard Dodds 31:05
It was a television show that I was watching and the thing that they were saying is that people think that you choose love once and that once you chose love that's it but that what they said was that you have to choose love every single day every single day you have to choose to love that person the way that you love them before and sometimes more and I love how to change and grow with you too as you change and grow
sometimes you're gonna wake up and want to choose violence Oh person make you me.
Richard Dodds 31:32
Okay so let's set you back a little bit lighter. So cancelin and Kendra when you when you to decide that you want to choose when you're on the hunt, like what are some signals that you send man to let them know that you want them to approach you what are some things that you do when you want them to approach you so you like you making a move but you making them think that making a move like you give them it's like you give them a class you laugh a little bit harder to joke like what do you
what did you what she like what did she do when she
like I got braids like Kandra you might give a little glance on the brains a little bit I look at her she's deceased.
Kendra Richard does exactly the same thing when he sees a woman he like flips his hair.
I can see that happening
Richard Dodds 32:40
through Oh guy, a little thing we need to hear out of his eyes. That's why my hair is wrapped up.
People complained about having hair in their eyes. You have long hair, cut it off. They're like don't worry about it. Just move it I'm gonna just move it
Richard Dodds 33:01
move it moving. moving in slow motion.
Oh, he's watching those is not Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercial. Swap.
So what do you what do y'all do? Sometimes it might just be a walk past. I have a pretty nice walk.
Richard Dodds 33:17
Oh, oh. Oh. Oh, no.
So how many times have you paid somebody
to just stare back?
Richard Dodds 33:26
Thank the creepy stare at it's like, Oh, I was like because
a lot of guys, that'd be their only thing to let you know that they're open. They'll stare. Yeah. And so I just looked back like okay, you can come over like you don't have to be afraid to talk to me like it's fine.
Richard Dodds 33:39
what about your camera? Hey, staring you staring right I'm gonna look at you a couple times. Right? But what do you How long are you gonna stare what's up? Do you want me or not? I have other shopping to do
a real life story happened
Richard Dodds 34:03
earlier today Walmart
always this happens to me a lot like the this endless staring. It's like I'll be out the store in a minute. So you know, but oh, you know, I will look at them and I'll smile if it were in like a grocery store. I'm gonna walk by him. I'm walking by him a couple times. You know, I'm gonna walk by this way. Then I'm gonna go that way so you can see both angles. And if I might be like, I'm really sure it's I use that to my advantage. I might be like, Oh my god, I can't like can you like read?
The thing is, like, oh, yeah, this is so many like different signals because we are tall. So it's logical for people to ask us to get things from the top shelf. Right? And also, if you're in a place like Walmart or Target, I'd be nervous people. Think I'm following you walk into somebody's like dude and then next thing you know you're that conversation on the phone Yeah he's staring at me I don't know what's going to be in the section right now you
Richard Dodds 35:15
know he just go I'm gonna go look at like laundry I don't even need
to deal with the lobbies I would just go look at laundry for no reason.
Richard Dodds 35:24
I think I think for me when I if I get that eye contact or if I see a woman that I'm interested in I do try to make eye contact and see if our eyes catch for a minute long enough for me to know that it's okay to go over there. Or worse comes to worst
I've ever had these experiences I swear to you because I'm always afraid somebody is gonna think I'm stalking Oh
Richard Dodds 35:44
no, it's like you kind of it's kind of like a dance you do you
think you just walking around looking at you? I'll never say nothing, then I might think you are but that's
what you do. Kendra you said you go around and you walk y'all both just said I think I'm stalking me on my walk past again until they say
Richard Dodds 36:11
no, I mean so much to my thing. And whenever I would approach a woman it would kind of be like I will find a reason to start a conversation Hey lady, you're here and it's usually like it's like a joke. It's like something real like like oh bla bla bla and we'll laugh and bang right depending on the vibe and depending on the vibe that's when I know like either she's interested if she's give me the right vibe or if I don't get the right vibe Oh you have a nice day and I just walk off because if I'm not gonna vibe I'm not gonna continue to pursue
looks like that's actually one of the best ends like if you can open with a little joke clear the air Looby conversation then I could see if like you witty enough to you know be on my level. That's one of the best ones and then if it's not there if the spark isn't there, then you believe me be a good way to do it.
I feel like I've had men do that and then still not like you know and you know what I'm saying? Like I'll be there like we have a conversation and just let me walk away are you doing
yes target to get items not women. Okay.
Walmart target subway.
Richard Dodds 37:24
Last night, man, I can't I can't even find because that's been me on an occasion like I remember I like to this woman I was at a basketball game she came and sat next to me. She like switch seats with somebody issues with she came and she was like dancing next to me and all that stuff. And we talked and then I was leaving and then she was like, that's it? I was I have a nice have a nice, you know, like I wasn't even scared just kind of like I just wasn't feeling he was scared. He didn't hear this. She was like you know I didn't have long hair so I had a confidence
you didn't have one here then that's what it was.
Richard Dodds 37:58
She was the pressure of approaching with a neighbor. He said what how do you deal with the pressure?
weirdo I'm a real weirdo. Alright, I'm a real real weirdo. Okay, so we got when it comes to me like approaching people I'm the the weirdest jokey is person you ever meet. Like, I don't change up anything, right? So when I'm talking to a female that I like, it's legitimately me asking 1000 questions to see what she's about. Right? And then I figure out everything I get some information get like an Instagram, get a phone number, and then I go from there.
You can't always do that in a brief conversation
I'll give you my being investigated.
Let's see, that's the thing. That's your job. When you're being manipulated. You don't know you're being manipulated. That's the idea. It's magic. Okay. All right. Deep into this, it's mad. It's the same thing that you guys said about walking paths and doing all those things. It's manipulation. You want them to see you you want them to and my way of doing that is asking questions and figuring out what does the you know what that
Just walk around. Hey, girl, hey.
I'm gonna be like, Why are you asking me all these questions? No,
you can't ask for the number and Instagram.
You don't do that right away. You have a conversation you say hey, what's Well look, this is what it is. You have that conversation. You say hey, what's your name on social media? Let's maybe link up we could talk we could smoke. We could do whatever. Blah Blah, blah, blah. go from there. I'm not about to just ask somebody for the panties right there. And they're like, I mean
Instagram, that's what it sounds like. I'm just talking. And that's it. So, I mean, that's for me. I don't do all the runaround. I'm not about to ask them. Because the thing is, I had a situation, I work in sales, and there was a gentleman talking to my coworker, and he's like talking to her. And I knew he was like, hitting on her the first time, because he said, he said, these these exact words. So what are you having to eat later? Like, it's like, it's like, it's like, 10 o'clock in the daytime. It's like, it's like, he's like, What are you doing? You know, he's going in and he's going in, he's having all these conversations. I'm like, okay, so this man goes on and on. He's like, What are you doing this weekend? She's like, well, I'm going out of town. Oh, where are you going? She's like, I'm going, what should you say North Carolina? He's Oh, yeah. What's, what's there to do in North Carolina? Oh, man, that sounds like my place. Hey, sorry. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm saying personally ask somebody how they're doing talking to him and feel like, hey, if I could have a conversation with you like this, then I can have a conversation with you, period. And it shouldn't be any issues. I don't have to pretend who I am. I don't have to do none of that. Because the person that they talking to, when they first meet me, that's gonna be the person that they talking to, when they hate me at the end of the day. Like so. So if you hate me now, and you hate me anyway, I mean, really? That's how it is. I mean, that's logical. I know, they look.
I thought you were talking about the fact that you are more direct. You don't like the small talk, which I totally agree. But what you
find when you first Yeah,
what you said initially just sound like a lot at once. And that that, that would be like, Okay, wait, like, just give me a second to figure out if I want to give you my number. If I'm gonna give you my Instagram, like
Richard Dodds 42:01
like your but give me your number.
Not saying be like, be crass. We're just saying like, it takes a little minute to warm up before we get to exchanging that kind of
information. That makes sense.
Richard Dodds 42:13
I mean, I don't feel like it's really much of a pressure going to the question that you asked, I don't feel like as much of a pressure especially is usually pretty calculated. A lot of times, like, if you get that signal that she wants to talk to you already, then you already have a little bit of that confidence going over there to approach her. And if if you don't get that you kind of like, Hey, are you doing like and you start talking and you try to feel the vibe if she can, if she can hold a conversation, if you're holding the conversation, if she's giving you eye contact, if you're showing interest in her and she's showing interest back, then that's when we like, Hey, let me you know, like, I gotta go. But, you know, I would love to talk to you further about this. Like, let me get your number. I'll take you out to dinner sometime. or something, something to that nature, but I feel like it's kind of calculated even if you do get that. Like I'm approaching two. Because I got an invite. I feel like I got to invite we caught eyes and we were making eyes across the room. Sometimes you'll have that conversation and you be like, huh, like, I really ain't feeling this vibe. You know what I mean? It could be nothing wrong, but it might be just something that you're not feeling and be like, alright, well, you know, it was nice having a conversation with you. I'm out. Yeah,
I think usually they chicken out because it's like, I mean, you a woman, like you know, like, I know when a guy wants me in you either chickened out because you just chickened out or you got a whole Bishop at home. That's what I beat you out here. You scheming anyway, you got no business looking at me in the first place?
And then you thought about it and you decide. Exactly. Yeah, summon, depending on how well the conversation is going. It's like they they get even more excited and intimidated to that's what it seems from our end. Yeah. And so it's like they'll want to take that next step. But whatever kind of, I guess lens, wherever they're looking through, it feels like they can't measure up to whatever they they think is on the other side of that right. You know, so they're just going based off of this very small snippet of who I am or who you know who these women are and so men kind of chicken out sometimes
Richard Dodds 44:13
I can't speak for all man not Amy though.
She has some say you know
Richard Dodds 44:24
let me put the podcast that I am eat Oh, you know what I'm saying? That I feel
like because I've had guys that I've met and talked to briefly for maybe a day or two
Richard Dodds 44:36
a day or two.
That's yeah, what the hell yes. Brief is what would you consider that a day or two? Richard is six months I just got a relationship of yours.
Today even firing you up. So Hey,
I'm not doing shots though. These are things I legitimately say to you. Like, this is the problem, Richard, that's where we talk. This is the therapy that you need. Say talking about judo, you'd be walking up to enricher walk up to him, he just slay him. They just follow him. Like, no problem. Man, he didn't put some baddest women doing absolutely nothing. Hey, what are you doing? Oh, no thing. But the thing is, I think part of my problem is, I'm like him sometime because Richard is aloof, right? A female could be like, all up.
Richard Dodds 45:38
And no, I when I use a big word, when I use a big word, it's a proud
not to do so
what is he saying? No. But he can be that way. Like, you know, a female would be like approaching him and pursuing them. And then he'll just be like, well, Oh, okay. Well, I'll talk to you later. You know, I mean, I'm not gonna tell you stories. I can't even Oh, he's been like that. And I've been like that as well. So I will go back to that whole concept. It's just I don't know, it's, it's scary. It is a print, it's pressure it like a pro it is the pressure, it's a lot of pressure.
Because women, I think women can get in a space where, because they don't approach because they buy into the idea of not approaching men, right. And they're continuously waiting for him to approach her or to be direct. And when the guy never does that, she has to make a decision to do it herself. And sometimes that comes out wrong, or she does it in a very blunt, very supportive way. Because it might have been a reason why the guy never, you know, you know, that stuff might not be into her, but she's into him. And she's thinking that she might not be emotionally there yet. Right? She thinks that she has to wait for him to you know, initiate things. And so it gets to a point where she's like, I'm gonna do it myself. When all this time has passed. And she could have did that initially in the first place. Yeah, I can
Richard Dodds 47:03
only think I can think of one time in high school where I went to shoot my shot, and I got rejected. And I was talking to these girls, i Hey, like, you know, I like you, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And she was like, Nah, Richard, I don't really look at you like that. So I was like, You know what? the bet. And we ended up exchanged numbers. Anyway, we started talking every night. And you know, I started to realize, oh, blah, blah, blah. And then like,
this is the part of the story where Richard realizes he was leading this young lady. Oh, no, I
Richard Dodds 47:29
mean, this Oh, look, I wanted to talk to her. She said that she didn't see me like that. So we like I just talked to her every night. And like one like a week or two later, she was sitting on my lap, and she was talking to me, and she was laughing. She was
sitting on my lap. Now, where did what was the significance of the lap?
Richard Dodds 47:44
I mean, because you're not just gonna sit in some friends lap like that. Right? I said, then she was like, I can't wait for you to me, my mother. Yes. She was like, I can't wait for you to me. My father, like I really wanted to meet you. And I was like, I thought you didn't look at me like that. And then I got up and I walked away. And then I talked to
her. So my question to you, I really have a question. I have a question. I know it's kind
Richard Dodds 48:03
of counterproductive. I worked real hard to change her mind so
hard to get your power back in your egos? Exactly. Ladies,
Richard Dodds 48:12
I was a high school.
lady. She was sitting on my lap, Carissa my next door, start pinching my nose. And you know what, I just let it all go. I couldn't help. But you know what? I was still a friend
and an example that you don't choose who you want to be within 90 seconds, because that girl had told you initially. I mean, I ain't like that. Right? Exactly. She like oh, I want you to meet my daddy.
Richard Dodds 48:38
So that's what I'm saying. So had to ever been into situations where at first initially, it was a no, but somebody worked and stayed around long enough to change that. No, until Yes,
nope. No, yes. Yes. That was my No. Yes, I had high school. This guy he had a reputation and everything and he pursued me for the whole reputation for a month he pursued me for months. He got everybody else involved advocating for him in the hallways and at the lockers. Yeah, eventually the pressure was on enough. I was just like, why not? And I should have just took you Oh, no, you gotta tell everybody we all take. I mean, we all got choices. You can't win them all, you know?
Richard Dodds 49:23
Yeah. So I'm pretty sure I know the answers to these questions. Kendra, I'll ask you first as a woman Have you ever made the first move on a guy?
No, not verbally. To me the first move is like you know,
shaking you look is that not a form of manipulation though? Is it not?
No, I have no the most of a of of first move I made was like a conversation of smell. You know, walking around you giggling now the I said that. I'm like, Hey, you should call me you. Yeah,
Richard Dodds 50:00
I mean, like, I was at the library one time and i Young lady, she was like, can you hear me that magazine? And then I handed it to her. And then I went back to doing what I was doing. And she was like, can you hear me that other magazine over there too? And then she just kept asking, and so I was like, Hey, what's up? How you doing? She's like, it took you forever to talk to me like, weird. Jessica said, she could say hi. Hi, how are you? Like, I'm good. Like, are you doing like, let's
say it like took you that long? Well, I was working and I'm busy. Trying to do homework, like, I'm gonna go back to doing what I was doing. He just ruined my day. He just put me behind with all your magazine requests. All right,
Richard Dodds 50:39
I just gave you like five magazines. Right? Like
he could have just approached you. And that'd be my thing. That before, it's just like, oh, wow, I'm just not waiting. No more. I don't like anticipation. I don't like suspense and listens in a movie. So like, I'm gonna just go for it. Have I done it? I can't say that. I have.
Richard Dodds 51:00
Okay, I was done. That was my question for you. Have you ever my first movie,
usually I don't, I don't have a chance to like, wait too long. Because those are so bad that they just come up on me. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying in the situations I've been in because I did make a commitment. I was like, Alright, I'm in the dating scene again, the next guy see that I'm attracted to, I'm approaching him because I want to, I want to at least have the experience. And nothing else for just the sake of having the experience, you know? What I mean? You know, check it out right now.
Richard Dodds 51:32
Okay. So I don't think people appreciate that.
Yeah. So um, I haven't had that experience. What I can say is, once that initial thing is made, I'm way more assertive. So like, now that I know what you want me. I don't need you dragging your feet. So I usually do the first kiss, or, you know, the initiating for other stuff, clips with personnel. Like, it's fine. It's okay.
I was thinking like, how would I do that? If I wanted to? I think women need to, I think when women do make the first move, I think they should be doing it more in a feminine way. I don't think women should just be like, Yeah, you know, she should call me or dislike the DM, like, Here go my number. Like, I feel like we should if we're going to do it can do it in a feminine way. You know, like, and I was just thinking, like, how would I do that? You know, I'm at the gym. Hmm,
Richard Dodds 52:22
I definitely feel that because I know, the last thing that I want to talk about his name and kind of hinted on earlier is that it's been times where women have been too aggressive, like overly aggressive and ways and it's been it's kind of ends up being a turnoff. I don't know if it's all guys, maybe some guys are attracted by that. But when when they come in, and they're just too aggressive. And it's like, especially like if you give them a no, which I'm sure like that they're not like most women I use it rejection like that. You give them a no. And then that's like, that's kind of like, try harder. And it's like, Yo, like, no, like, I'm good at
listening. All I need is one note from me, because I don't know how I'm gonna do this in the first place. One note, I see it for me.
I think as it were unique. Yeah. You use talking about like one no like you that that's very unique. And I can say that from from many of the females that I've talked to. Yes, that's extremely unique. I would say I've spoke to one young lady, which I love. She's dope. She's amazing. I've told her no, I don't know how many times and I don't know like it says that. Oh, I don't like people is weird when somebody pursues me. So like I said, You guys are unique. No, usually, yeah, you cut that off. And then that's it.
Because I feel like as a woman, it should be different. Right? The fact that we've already made the first move, right, is a big step. Right? So I'm already when you say no, now I don't feel desired by you. So why would I continue on? You know, like, I definitely don't want to. I don't want nobody that don't want me. So I don't want to end up in a situation where I've, you know, pursued the shit out of him that he's like, okay, damn, let's you know, let's test it out. I'm never gonna feel like how do I feel like the fries then? So
you've got anyone. You've never seen anybody like that. Like after they said no. And then you like, like, keep going after him.
I mean, I was in a situation ship. I guess that was a kind of a pursuit, but that's different.
Richard Dodds 54:22
That's kinda like mutual. At that point. Yeah, situation. Ship is normally
sexually so it wasn't like, you know, like a
Richard situation where he's like, No.
Richard Dodds 54:36
So listen, I'm just saying you're hosting the show.
But I'm saying this. Tim, if this is not the situations you deal with Richard will tell the female. No, I just want to be friends. And I want to do this like this. And he says no, and they still try to talk to her.
Well, that's the same store with men. I think we're talking about women approaching men, like Kyndra said Like, I do think you have to, you have to tap into that feminine energy. And what we have to remember is being a hunter is a masculine energy. Yeah, in a lot of ways, right. And so some women tap into it, and they don't know how to also highlight their femininity. So when you do it, like I would always want to think like, Okay, let me send a drink over, you know, to this guy. And then if he you know,
Richard Dodds 55:24
it'd be weird to me.
But I'm worried before you always say it. And it's not, it's not a direct approach, you're not going over there and be like, hey, what you're drinking. You're actually you know, still being feminine in your approach, because, you know, you're caring about what this person you know, might like it too, because I think a guy's approach has to be somewhat soft as well. When you're talking about women, the ones that work, at least I feel
Richard Dodds 55:51
like is for us, and I'm gonna get y'all to sauce. Every woman is listening for us. We're a lot simpler. It doesn't it doesn't really take much to get our attention. And so you're talking about sending a drink if we're sitting there and like, I'm with my boys and we chillin and you want to get my attention just come over and say hi, how you doing? I that is enough. For most of us. Like that's all you have to do is say hi,
no one is gonna walk over to a table full of men and say hey, how are you have to do
by yourself? I walk over you with a bunch of me and I'm not coming over there. Right you
wonder why he's by itself though? That would be Yeah. Like you're gonna walk over what is man by himself. He's weird. He's been staring at you the whole time. What I'm saying
pick a man up at a bar anyways. I wouldn't do that. But I think if I were to approach a man it would definitely be in a subtle way you know to where like I'm not approaching approaching maybe sparking up a conversation. You know, if gyms were open, you know, I probably be at the gym like oh my god, you know, can you lift this for me? I do that all the time. Not even to flirt because I really just don't feel like putting the weights up. But I'll just be like, you know, he put this up or whatever and then maybe I don't know cuz I've never done this but some kind of conversations. Oh, man. I love taking hikes on Saturday. You know? I just love it. You know? That's the door right there. Like then he should be like, well, free Saturday you know, that's how I would hit on the dude you know? And if he said he busy on Saturday to me that's you know he busy you don't want to he's not interested.
You still just invited No, you're not really.
Richard Dodds 57:31
I mean? Like just just a tie all of this stuff. Oh, with a bow. I feel like a lot of times all women have to do at least in like the case. It's just like an invitation. Just let me know to walk across that line and then I'll walk cross that line. I'll take it from there. Just pass me the baton. Yes, let's put the baton baton Hi Hey, how you doing? You know I saw you over there you look so nice. And I just want to Can I buy you a drink can I take you to dinner next week like what are you doing? Burns with some
not buy your drink or dinner?
Richard Dodds 58:05
Oh I'm talking about me that's me. Calm down.
Can you say feed no me
feed him all right. It won't be
Richard Dodds 58:24
Chico Wow on that note, yo I want to thank both of y'all for coming on to the show and joining us today. I want to start out with cancel that cancel that can you tell everybody how they can find you?
Yes, you can follow me on Instagram at Kate Antoinette underscore the blogger and if you want to tap into lbf you can always follow the page at lips underscore underscore futures and follow and subscribe to lbs podcast on all your major streaming platforms.
Richard Dodds 58:52
Oh, Kendra, what you got?
Hey, you guys can find me on Instagram at coffee with Kandra spelled correctly. If you are interested in having me as a guest you can email me at coffee with Kindred g gmail.com. And I'm on all streaming platforms coffee with cancer
Richard Dodds 59:13
and she's the black Kandra and I thought why Kendra she's the black
thank you so much. Nobody uses that but yeah
Richard Dodds 59:23
I mean, I never listened to the other ones show
you Okay, listen to her coffee.
Richard Dodds 59:29
I mean, I don't know she thought I was barely scraping you know what I'm saying? Like oh, well as always thank you for listening to be a part of the conversation. You can find us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter Eric and naman please be sure to rate and subscribe to our podcast on your favorite podcasting app. You can find me at as is on an SBS, DDS is m and you can find
that I am the DJ blue. But until next
Richard Dodds 59:53
time, boys and girls remember there's always a next time
Transcribed by https://otter.ai