Remember Kantoinette and Kendra, two of our favorite guests? They're back, and oh boy, the journey they've been on! Join us for an engaging, heartwarming reunion. We reminisce about the good old days, from unforgettable hot dog moments at Home Depot to that pivotal ghosting episode, while exploring the sense of community we built through podcasting.
But this isn't just a trip down memory lane. Kantoinette and Kendra also impart some wisdom from their recent life experiences. We dive deep into discussions about maintaining quality time in relationships, setting realistic expectations in dating, and navigating the tricky waters of post-breakup friendships.
Finally, we tackle some pretty big questions. Can you stay friends with an ex? Are unconditional love and relationships mutually exclusive? How does one navigate the balancing act of setting boundaries while staying open to unexpected possibilities? Join us as we explore these complex issues, offering insights and support to anyone navigating the choppy seas of love, life, and everything in between. Strap in for an episode packed with laughter, wisdom, and the warmth of old friends reunited.
Remember Kantoinette and Kendra, two of our favorite guests? They're back, and oh boy, the journey they've been on! Join us for an engaging, heartwarming reunion. We reminisce about the good old days, from unforgettable hot dog moments at Home Depot to that pivotal ghosting episode, while exploring the sense of community we built through podcasting.
But this isn't just a trip down memory lane. Kantoinette and Kendra also impart some wisdom from their recent life experiences. We dive deep into discussions about maintaining quality time in relationships, setting realistic expectations in dating, and navigating the tricky waters of post-breakup friendships.
Finally, we tackle some pretty big questions. Can you stay friends with an ex? Are unconditional love and relationships mutually exclusive? How does one navigate the balancing act of setting boundaries while staying open to unexpected possibilities? Join us as we explore these complex issues, offering insights and support to anyone navigating the choppy seas of love, life, and everything in between. Strap in for an episode packed with laughter, wisdom, and the warmth of old friends reunited.
This is Relationship Talks with Rick and Naiman. I'm Rick.
Speaker 3:And I am the DJ Blue Can't use.
Speaker 2:Naiman.
Speaker 3:I was still the DJ Blue, even though I typed my name in Naiman. I didn't think about that until just now, you typed in.
Speaker 2:You definitely typed in Naiman, so we got two guests with us again. It's been a while. We got a cancel nut Hi, what's up? And we got.
Speaker 4:Kendra.
Speaker 2:Kendra's, like I don't know what to do. Kendra's, like I'm afraid of the mic now. Both of them used to be podcasters. Neither one of them podcasts anymore. They're still podcasters. I can't say that. I can't even announce the retirement.
Speaker 1:They're still podcasters. They just took some time. I'm just joking. Calm down Like Jordan coming back wearing the 4-5.
Speaker 3:I'm just waiting for that jersey to come on because I haven't seen anything from either one of them in a while. I'm just waiting for that jersey to come on, because I haven't seen anything from either one of them in a while.
Speaker 2:I was just wondering this is how it works, man.
Speaker 3:You got to do some stuff and come back.
Speaker 4:I'm not saying we throwing all this shade at the beginning. This shade just started out At the very beginning. It's just all love, guys. I just miss you.
Speaker 2:Miss both of you. Just say that, just say that All right, I miss both of you. I'm sorry. It's true, though, but they used to be podcasters, but anyway, and you're trying to be a podcaster, how about that?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm trying.
Speaker 2:I'm not very good at it, but they used to be.
Speaker 3:You're still trying, I'm still trying. I should probably quit too. They didn't quit.
Speaker 2:That's the difference. Never quit. They didn't give up. No, but both of them, both of them, I went to like look back on their podcast and I wanted to like listen to all episodes and it's like, well, half a can to an S episodes is gone, like. And then Kendra I texted her, like Kendra, where your episodes at she's like I've been turned those off so All of mine were going to know some of yours is still up.
Speaker 2:Not all of them, but it's like maybe like 60 to sell up right now. 60 episodes, that's a lot of episodes, yeah that's more than we got Actually.
Speaker 3:this is, this is a recording.
Speaker 2:This is the 58th episode we've done of Rick and Amy.
Speaker 3:I'm trying to make it to 60.
Speaker 4:Congratulations. Thank you.
Speaker 3:Like now that we're still trying to podcast.
Speaker 2:No, I just really wanted to get us together. It's been a while. This is a group of people that this is actually our fourth time recording together, the four of us. We have three other episodes and we did me and you name and we did one episode on Kendra's podcast.
Speaker 3:So you two are like I would say like wait, we did, you guys.
Speaker 2:So we did three episodes we did. The last one we did together was the thrill of the hunt who's choosing who? And then we did the best day ever, which has one of my favorite moments ever between the four of us. And then we did the anniversary of have you ever been ghosted? So three episodes, that was a good one, I know right. So that's why I wanted to get us all together. I just wanted to have like a conversation, just kind of recap, see where everybody's doing in their life right now. And I think we should start with can't when that, can't, when that was new. She looks so surprised. What was changed? 123, 123. What's up picking a number between one and can't when that I think it's.
Speaker 4:What's new? So Since podcasting, I've become a massage therapist. That's what I'm doing. I'm also back in school, working on my masters and counseling. Like I always said, thank you, yeah, that's the crux of it.
Speaker 1:I'm working and I'm going to school.
Speaker 3:I love it. That's what I'm saying. So you need to stop talking about them being ex podcast. She's busy.
Speaker 2:I ain't never denied that, Kendra. What about you? What's new?
Speaker 1:What's new with me? I got a baby.
Speaker 2:Three months already.
Speaker 1:Boom, congratulations, congratulations.
Speaker 2:Congratulations. That's awesome, that's a big heart.
Speaker 1:I never was.
Speaker 3:I never was.
Speaker 2:Kendra was never a player.
Speaker 3:She can't even get it out.
Speaker 2:She can't even say because it's not in her vocabulary. That's okay, I accepted.
Speaker 3:She knew this is a new youth, new time, a new revelation. We okay with that.
Speaker 2:Do you have anything new that's happening in your life now?
Speaker 3:No Other than my cousin trying to ask me to podcast.
Speaker 2:That seems same.
Speaker 3:It seems like the same type of situation, other than just life and trying to propel myself forward mentally and physically. Those are probably different things now Just finding my own self-worth, learning about myself. I love talking to people. One of the things I think through the podcast I learned is I like having conversations Most of the time with myself. That's kind of hard to branch out there.
Speaker 3:I do love talking. I think now I'm trying to search a way to maybe talk to people on another level, possibly with podcasting, or even I don't know. I just want to help be positive and shed some light on people's lives in a way that I can, or however I can, whether that's DJing or talking. That's pretty much it.
Speaker 2:That's awesome, man, that's awesome. I say that like I haven't heard, that I don't talk to you all the time.
Speaker 3:He probably articulated differently. Exactly.
Speaker 2:She did it. Look, that's how you do it.
Speaker 3:I wouldn't articulate it like that to him. I would more or less say like if it was like a regular conversation. But what's up, man? I probably say something like at work. What are you doing? Working? That's it. That's how you call. You ask him what are you doing at work?
Speaker 2:That's what you call me. You call me between 7.30 and 4.30. What you doing, man? Just trying to get through the day, bro, just trying to get through work 4.30 to the night.
Speaker 1:Homework Exactly.
Speaker 4:One way or another.
Speaker 3:Something is happening.
Speaker 2:So the last episode we did was April 15, 2021.
Speaker 4:You didn't say what was due with you.
Speaker 2:I'm getting into it. I'm getting into it.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to.
Speaker 2:I'm going to get to it. So I was saying since then, I think probably the biggest change that's happened is that I got married. Congratulations again, thank you, congratulations.
Speaker 4:Aside from that.
Speaker 2:When did this happen, man? You don't know when I got married, bro.
Speaker 3:This is news to us.
Speaker 2:All of you all knew this. So I got married, got a new house. Other than that, I've been working on a different podcast, still talking black Been, working on season two of that. So that pretty much keeps me busy with my nine to five and I just finished a class. So I finished that certificate a couple of months ago. I'm not like that. I give you props canceling that. I was not trying to get back into being in school because it's like I was good for like that first month, but after that I was like, ooh, I know why I never went back to my life.
Speaker 4:I've been holding strong for a couple of months.
Speaker 3:It's hard.
Speaker 4:It's hard.
Speaker 3:It's not even that the work is hard. I haven't even been going to school and I can't do it. I feel for you both.
Speaker 2:I ain't been in school in the middle.
Speaker 3:I know I'm like no, I can't, because I'm gonna be honest with you I love learning new things, but I just can't put my face in a book for X amount of time per week.
Speaker 1:That's me right there.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I can't give any extra time, like I'm both, and I think what's going on with me is a combination of things where it's like by the time I get finished working on a full day, the last thing I want to do is come home and have to do homework.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 4:This is a goal I've had and I put off for so long that I'm like I gotta at least keep trying to work towards it. But I am reducing my course load, so there's that.
Speaker 2:Well, all that stuff going on with you guys, Like I understand why you don't podcast anymore, Despite all that shade, that fake shade that I was throwing earlier. It was just fake, I'm sorry. No, you guys, guys, I mean especially you, Kendra you got three months old. Like that's crazy in itself. Like I'm thinking about like the like the times we've been together and we recorded together. One of my favorite moments was when we were talking about I think it was best days ever and and Naiman asked, I think it. Naiman asked Kendra something and he said would you let somebody, would you sleep with somebody, if they took you to Starbucks and got you a hot dog from Home Depot? Did I say that Something about the Home Depot hot dog? That?
Speaker 4:was like hot dogs from Home.
Speaker 1:Depot, that was like the fun.
Speaker 3:My thing is this like I'm listening to myself Like wait, did I actually say that? You actually said that? Food truck also.
Speaker 2:Yes, so they just actually brought them back, like that's news, like, if y'all don't know, they just brought the hot dogs back to Home Depot. So go ahead and have your day night. Home Depot need to be paying you, richard I know right, I'm poneying for that Home Depot.
Speaker 3:They'll be advertising on Home Depot hot dogs while I'm on here. I do not recognize. No, they delicious though I'm not going to lie.
Speaker 2:No. So that was probably one of my favorite moments, like do y'all have any moments that stand out to y'all over over the times? The four times recorder I mean this is the fourth, but the three times recorder or any other time they like, no, I can't think of nothing.
Speaker 4:It's like I can think of how I felt when we recorded, like all four of us. Let's hear that Now.
Speaker 3:I want to hear that.
Speaker 4:Yeah, Like.
Speaker 3:Richard's like. Can you tell me what I said in episode five?
Speaker 2:A minute 27.
Speaker 4:I feel like our topics were always really good in that, even if we had different perspectives, we always respected that and listen and we learned from each other from those topics, whether we were talking about dating, like you said, like the Home Depot situation I know me and Kendra went in on that- that was so funny.
Speaker 3:Home Depot, though I can't believe myself for saying that.
Speaker 2:What was wrong with me? You said a coffee from Starbucks and a hot dog from Home Depot. Okay, that's Home Depot. I'm going to have to listen back myself. That is a combination.
Speaker 3:But it's I mean honestly, if you think about it like that's kind of thoughtful right, like somebody, that's two different places. Most people won't go to one place to do those two things.
Speaker 2:See, now you're putting it down.
Speaker 3:That's valid. Can I, can I get a? What with what?
Speaker 4:So stuff, even like the ghosting episode, like our topics were really on point for what was going on in the you know atmosphere at that time. And I felt like we yeah, I feel like we brought really great conversation and that's what I could always look forward to with, even with Kendra on her own, or you and Naiman together, or you by yourself, richard like always, great conversation, bringing something to the forefront, wow.
Speaker 1:That's yeah, that's legit, that's great. Like I'm going to be honest with y'all, I'm being like, yeah, I'm like I don't care about my perspective, like every time.
Speaker 3:Every time we have like conversations, it's always interesting to hear other people's perspective, because usually I'm just bogged down with what Richard saying oh, wow, so it's always the same.
Speaker 3:Oh well, it's the truth. I mean, that's the ever unique perspective and, like I said, you could take that negative, you could take it as positive. I don't care at some of the things you know. It was nice to hear whole different perspectives from different parts of the country, if you will, just areas that we're not from right, like because we only know what we see the people we hang out with. So I've always looked forward to like special episodes with you guys because it always meant something new in the table right, something new was on the table.
Speaker 3:New conversation, new faces. It was always fun for me.
Speaker 2:That is fair. That's something I never really kind of thought about. Just because, you know, when people probably listen to us they probably think we all in the same place. But, like me and Naiman are in the same state but you two are in two completely different states.
Speaker 3:Different way different.
Speaker 2:So far.
Speaker 3:What so? East Coast? What is it? I know, I know one is on the West Coast somewhere perhaps right as far as I know, this is just just me guessing.
Speaker 1:West side. Okay, so you know what. And then the.
Speaker 3:Kate Cantone I'm getting, I don't know, by the way, that picture. Look in the background somewhere in the South, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Oh okay, what wait what?
Speaker 4:picture.
Speaker 2:He said because of the picture, though.
Speaker 4:Why? Because of the picture. I look like I live in an old Negro spiritual is what you trying to say, I'm telling you look, is that Sierra?
Speaker 2:It's not see it kind of does look like Sierra. No, just a little bit. Kind of like. A little bit I see Sierra.
Speaker 3:Okay, see, and still, I stay with the. That's alright, you could be wherever you from right. Be you be happy, that's all that matters.
Speaker 4:I am a southern bail.
Speaker 2:Okay, even even the way she said it's southern.
Speaker 3:But you see, I said, I said south, south.
Speaker 2:Gotta put that Think.
Speaker 2:I think one of the reasons why I really wanted to get us together is just because back when we were all doing our podcast, when Ricky and Amy was really prolific and can't, when that you were doing LBF and Kendra you're doing coffee with Kendra it just felt like we had built like such a community and like I had been on can't when that show like a thousand times I mean, amy was on Kendra's first show, I was like on Kendra show, like you know, like a thousand times and it's just like we always kept in touch and it's like kind of like life hits you in this thousand number.
Speaker 2:It's an exaggeration, it's probably like I probably know. I probably zone probably like six episodes of Kendra and probably like four or five episodes of cantonet. Maybe not including that, because we dropped another episode. Right before cantonet, stop LBF, we dropped another episode that we had recorded. Remember, we recorded it like a long time, like we recorded like a year and and then we released it like we had set on it, I had edited, and then we released it slightly platonic, yeah. So it's like this is the mini series.
Speaker 2:They never would the mini series is supposed to be. Five of them is like we never got to it. But now this group is always had could mean one. Yeah, that's a super mini. That's like I don't know. I don't think we can use this series part. It's just many, many podcast.
Speaker 3:All right.
Speaker 2:So, thinking about it, I like I had, so I've had a chance. Like every now and then I go back and I listen to Episodes that we recorded like all the way, like Ricky name, and so, like I said, this is the 58th episode. Like most of them are still published. Some of them have been unpublished for different for various reasons. I'll say, but, like, I'll go back and I'll listen and I'll listen to some of my point of views and think about how my point of view has Shifted on some things and some things have stayed the same. Like, thinking about, like when you were younger, have any of your points of views when it comes to dating change?
Speaker 3:Because everybody's got new relationships. Now Kendra says she ain't gay, I'm married to be married. A rich is married. What you doing out here would you say you was doing, you didn't actually say she's in.
Speaker 4:I'm not hearing these streets.
Speaker 2:Hey, so see, she's still got her player. She's like what's up?
Speaker 4:a.
Speaker 3:That's all right. Look you, be you. I'll let the people that's married and engaged. Well, yeah, what? Tell you what, richard, show us how you would answer Okay, and then we'll go after that.
Speaker 2:That's why y'all just like no, I just let Richard go first. So you know when I, when I think about it, you know. So, like, like I said, we launched in 2020 and that really isn't that long ago if you think about it's only it's only been three years. And I listen to some of my point of views and my point of view shift, like I feel like every, every so often, you grow a little bit. You stay who you are in a core, but you grow in different ways. So it's a lot of things that I still agree with and it's a lot of things that my mind have changed a little bit on dating.
Speaker 3:Dating is. It was interesting, you know, I think for me I found I found someone that I really love and really like, and I think for anybody you should find Exactly that. You should find somebody and Richard has used this terminology equally yoked. Find someone you and you know, go to love them, cherish them, find out what their needs are. I mean, and that's one thing I would say I've learned after getting out of these streets, as K Antoinette so eloquently put, it.
Speaker 3:One thing that I learned. It wasn't for me, it was just about I. Honestly, it was about the person themselves. Like as long as, as long as she loves herself, she's, she's caring, loves me and wants peace, then we legitimately want the same things out of life and I feel like we can grow on those things and I feel like, hey, in any Relationship I feel like peace is like, should be like the first thing you have. You know, find your peace, find your center and You'll you'll get happiness and it won't be something you have to look for. But, yeah, I would say, I would say that's one thing that I've learned, you know, since actually podcasting and I think you know going through and hearing some of the experiences on our episodes and other people's episodes.
Speaker 3:I'm about relationships. I think it has helped, I would say, my perspective on even talking to people about my relationship or Perhaps just listening to other people in their relationships, because I feel like that's extremely valid, like to be able to talk to people about the positives that are going on your relationship, just like you would do a business or something like that. You know you've got people. Hey, I'm doing good, don't worry, keep, keep it up if you work towards this. I feel like it's the same thing. So I would say those would be the things that I've taken away from our relationships, chats About relationships, etc.
Speaker 1:So I have a question.
Speaker 2:For me, for her, for naming.
Speaker 1:Yeah for naming, because I like clarity. So for the people who are listening, I didn't hear you ever say that you were. Relationship. We kind of like skipped over that.
Speaker 3:I didn't say you was in a committed relationship.
Speaker 1:I'm in a very committed you said you was in a committed relationship.
Speaker 3:I'm in a very committed.
Speaker 4:I hear he alluded to it just now and it made me know that he was.
Speaker 1:Okay, exactly, and I'm looking for clarity for me.
Speaker 3:Well if you want to ask me something you sidebarred like we did. You, we sidebarred about rigid. We all did. We all did. Now, first of all, yeah, no. I'm in a hundred percent committed relationship. I love congratulations. I don't want to be with anybody else, 100%, so I mean I don't, I don't mind saying that unequivocally, undoubtedly, and any other words that you're just trying to pick.
Speaker 2:You're trying to pick up big words. You just put in big. I was trying, man, but I look at.
Speaker 3:I stopped at that one because after that it was about to go just totally yeah you just gonna make up something up. Right, I was gonna add do one of those bible verses no one knows. No one knows, only I do, because I've read the scrolls, right but no um. Yeah, I would say yes, I'm in a committed relationship and since those episodes I have, I was, I wasn't in any type of Committed. I mean I was dating or coffee dating, more or less coffee dating.
Speaker 3:Why would you do anything else when you're dating? But that's just.
Speaker 2:I.
Speaker 3:Mean, I'm just saying like I was always in, look, I was always in disagreements when it came to those. Hey, a big dinner, like I get it 110, I get it you, you want to eat? But my thing is, this is like that's always the weird part.
Speaker 2:Let it all, cousin, let it all.
Speaker 4:It's weird.
Speaker 3:It's, it's weird when I'm paying for the full thing. It's weird. That's when it's weird to me, like because if I'm dating I mean you at the first time. Like I feel like 50, 50 would have been normal. Right, look, I'm not gonna go in on this.
Speaker 4:Disagree with that, like I just feel like can't you disagree.
Speaker 1:I was with you up until you said 50 percent, because you taking the girl to coffee and you want her to pay 50 percent of that.
Speaker 3:Oh no, I paid a fool for the coffee I'm talking about. He's talking about.
Speaker 2:We only got coffee, yeah, no.
Speaker 3:I completely understand. There we go. Good, I don't even have to.
Speaker 1:Because even as a woman, right when a man prepares a dinner in a nice day for you is because you know he decided. You know I really like this girl. I want to do something nice for her when you first meet somebody you don't know. So I understand that part of it, but 50, 50 no.
Speaker 2:Not at the coffee shop.
Speaker 1:Not at.
Speaker 2:Starbucks.
Speaker 3:Just I'm saying like first couple dates, I feel like Not at the coffee shop.
Speaker 1:I thought you were saying first date at the coffee shop. And I'm like man, you you know, but this is what he made that hot dog comment in the last episode.
Speaker 4:I'm not really kidding, you're getting on him because we were in agreement with that it's like, a first date doesn't have to be a whole extravagant thing. Right, you can go to a park. You could do something simple.
Speaker 3:I Like I said I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to listen back, because I don't remember saying nothing about no homes, people, hot dog. Yes, you definitely did.
Speaker 2:Yes, you were sure 100% like I listen to that clip all the time.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:I'm saying that in Kendra. Do you ever listen back to old stuff that you did maybe like in kentucky? So when that's like you write used to write a lot like do you ever look at back at that stuff and be like man. What was I thinking? Where was I at in this moment?
Speaker 4:I do I haven't done it recently like To the question like I do Feel like evolution as a person is just a part of life and so when you look back or you listen back to the things you've created, you see that growth in real time right, and that shift kind of just happens. Um.
Speaker 4:That's valid and I think that's one of my favorite parts of looking back, because you get to see where you were versus where you are and Make that connection whether or not it's healthy, whether you need to revert back to some things you believed in or whether you just need to, you know, keep going on the trajectory that you're on. But yeah, I do it. I just haven't done it often because I feel like I haven't had a mental space to Think about that stuff.
Speaker 3:Are you busy doing you?
Speaker 4:Listen, we're gonna get into that a little later.
Speaker 3:That's okay. Look, that's all right.
Speaker 2:Hold on. What about you, kendra?
Speaker 1:Um, I think, yeah, I definitely do not, like I, like K, I'm tenets that I haven't did it recently. I think the last time I did it was like sometime before I really stopped like 100 podcasting and uh, one of the things that I noticed that I was doing was I was, I was always down because, like in my head obviously, if anybody listened to coffee with Kendra, you know I wanted to be married, right. So like that was my goal, right. So I was on podcast. I was doing my podcast. We were talking about relationship. I was reading about relationships. I was like studying it to Uh, to, to, to some degree, right. And I have to say, now, being engaged, now I feel like nothing can really prepare you for that. But being All the tools, you have every tool that you need, and it means nothing until you are in the position to use them. So then, to get into the position to use them, I have to go back and in some time I'm caught off guard like shit. I don't, I don't know how to handle this.
Speaker 1:Maybe I'm just the wrong way, you know, I thought I was prepared, but I wasn't prepared, you know. So now have an information in learning to utilize the information is where I am now. So like In in a sense, it's like it's one thing to like say, yeah, I could do this and I would do this and you should do this, and but then it's like okay, well, what do you do now? Like, now, now's completely different. So now had I, if I had some of those same conversations that would be coming from a different point of view.
Speaker 4:Yeah, knowledge and application, two different things, totally different.
Speaker 2:Say a, say a well from somebody in school, right, yeah, I just wrote that in my PowerPoint like that's it.
Speaker 3:Look, that's valid though.
Speaker 2:No, I could totally agree. I can totally agree with that. I do. I do know exactly what you're talking about, because it's no, it's no better way to learn than being in it and as much as you like, plan on it, like it's your plans or what everybody has a plan, till they get punched in the face. What's that? Like Mike Tyson quote, it's like when you get punched and it's like whoa, like I really thought I knew what I was about to do, but I don't really know what I'm doing now?
Speaker 2:Yeah, man. So if you, if you had, if you could talk to your 18 year old self, what kind of relationship advice would you give yourself? Like look, canceling out. She's like ready, you, ready, cancel that.
Speaker 4:So Compromise were necessary, but don't compromise to the point where you forget yourself. That's probably the main thing I would say um, that's poetic I think I would say to sorry.
Speaker 2:No right.
Speaker 1:I think I would say to, I would tell my 18 year old self to spend more time with myself and discovering myself and learning new things and Etc, and not let, uh, the focus of anything else be the focus aside from myself.
Speaker 4:Hmm.
Speaker 2:Hmm, what, what, what about you cuz?
Speaker 3:Oh, say to myself self Don't do those bad things, stay away from all those strippers, stay away, even though you learn these things from your older cousin. Stay away from those things my older cousin, your older cousin Richard. No nope, don't listen to him and don't follow his ways.
Speaker 2:No, I don't know.
Speaker 3:I would say I wouldn't say that I mean because there was no way for me to avoid looking up to you at that age, so Wow. But no, I didn't have a real perception of relationships that time. I mean mentally. Mentally, for me it was all about just my time and and what I wanted from from me. So I mean I've kind of been just self discovering Myself. But I would say, if I did give some advice, what would I say? I don't know, um, just listen. I don't know, just listen, listen, listen and process that information that you're hearing. Um, process what you're hearing and then and then see if what you're hearing is going to be beneficial to you or if it's going to be something down the line that's going to be Not so beneficial. You know, if you're just waiting for something to change, great like, does that make sense? Does that make sense? The way I'm saying it?
Speaker 4:Yeah, it's like just kind of listen.
Speaker 3:Listen and process and then make a decision, as opposed to like listen and process and then wait till forever to say, well, wow, I heard this a long time ago, now everything is bad. I have to change that right. So I would say, for that is just kind of Recognizing, at the beginning of any relationship, symptoms Of mental illness. That's it I.
Speaker 2:You crazy.
Speaker 2:I think, I feel like the sentiment of all of us is like very similar. I think the thing that I would really tell myself is to Not make myself smaller for anybody to, to kind of like live in the fullness of who I am and also not be afraid to see the world and explore, and that Things can be temporary until you get into a permanent situation. Things are temporary, so don't get so caught up on things that more times and often are going to end up being temporary anyway. Man, I was like y'all was like y'all was saying stuff like canceling that started. I was like dang, should we, we snap in?
Speaker 1:A little african woman on her.
Speaker 3:She got her book sitting next to her, written by Jill Scott herself.
Speaker 4:Y'all, not gonna Y'all talked about me.
Speaker 2:I was throwing playful shade at y'all earlier. They haven't been throwing shots all episode like and he, he don't get no hate.
Speaker 3:It would be a shot if I wasn't right. That's the thing, like each time each time I've been right on the money Right on the money still a shot, it's still a shot. It's definitely still is a shot. Poster in the background. Like Richard, I'm surprised he don't have his African sculptures behind him. That's next.
Speaker 2:Well, I got two. I got two black photography books behind me, so Richard's next, I mean he's got.
Speaker 3:He's got his dreadlocks. They've grown like to an extreme since we started the podcast.
Speaker 2:Oh, they was like short, yeah, they was like sure we started.
Speaker 3:You know, he looks like those light-skinned guys that they play cast in those films, right?
Speaker 2:where they come up with the with the dread.
Speaker 3:They're like they're an architect right there, an architecture or something like that. You don't know what they're actually doing. Right, they just light skin and they got good jobs. I feel like that's the. That's the type we would play him right now.
Speaker 2:But yeah, that would be probably the thing I would say that you just throw a shot, go right back into it. Yeah, that's the probably thing I would change right there. All right, so I like I know all of our situations. We're at various stages of dating and marriage and, and, fiancine, I don't know what you call that engagement, but Like, how has your approach because I mean, like no matter, like even me as a married man, you still date like, how has your approach on dating changed now versus how it was, maybe like three, four years ago?
Speaker 3:Can't do that. This is for you, obviously.
Speaker 2:No, I mean it's for all of us. Really, I'll start it.
Speaker 4:I'll start it out.
Speaker 2:I'll start it out. So do you really yeah? So like when?
Speaker 3:See, now y'all about to teach me something so with my wife.
Speaker 2:Like I, the thing the thing with being married is is that I have to make sure I'm more intentional about Dating my wife.
Speaker 2:Just because, like we spend so much time together, like sitting on the couch doesn't constitute a date.
Speaker 2:Like we see each other like all the time and we sit next to each other and we're we're like see, we're in the kitchen together, we wake up, you know, and so we're always together. So it's like now, like my approach, since I'm married, is just making sure that I'm carving out special times. It's not just a time that we're spending in the house or a time that we're watching the tv show together, like we've been going we went to a couple concerts like um, outdoor concerts and different things like that just trying to Find times to carve out, to make sure that we have that time. Because, as you, when you start to get a house and you, when you want to start a family and all that stuff, your, your focus is all over the place and it's so distracted. So now this is more. You have to be more, way more intentional about Dating and making sure that you're finding that time to be romantic with your partner. So that's how it changed for me.
Speaker 3:Very well put, richard.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:I want to um, I want to agree with that too, because I'm in the, I'm in between some of the stuff that you said. So you guys are already married, but you guys don't have kids, right, we have kids and we're engaged, right. So I'm kind of in between some of that. So, uh, absolutely, it's important to like get away out of the house, away from the kids, because when you are inside and you're with the kids, I'm mommy, I have to be mommy all the time. You know I can't and I'm, you know, and I'm fiance too, but it's like it's not 100. He can't get 100 of my time and 100 of my attention.
Speaker 1:And until we remove ourselves from the house, you know we have to get out, and that way we can like, you know, fall in love again and remember Okay, this is what I, this is what I loved about you and this is what I like about you, because you can really just get stuck and then I think that could definitely like damper their Relationship, because then there's like no romance anymore. It's just like, you know, kind of like robots, we just going about our days. So I just wanted to double down on how important that is and, um, I don't know what else I could offer in my position, I guess, um that was like one of the biggest things that Made a difference, like that's something that I didn't, I wasn't expecting.
Speaker 2:It's like oh, like we together all the time, but we're not dating like we used to. It's different.
Speaker 1:That, so that quality time of y'all just spending time together. You know that was quality time, but once you live together, that's no longer quality time. It's like I see you every day. I wake up with you every day.
Speaker 1:It's no longer quality time. Quality time has to be done. I don't want to say outside of the house, because you could plan like some really cute stuff inside the house, but it has to just be you too for it to actually count as quality time. And it has to not be like we watching a show together like we usually do, you know, it has to be something special.
Speaker 2:Like going to home depot and getting a hot dog.
Speaker 4:If you don't stop For a married couple if y'all already gotta go to home depot, might as well get a hot dog.
Speaker 2:I didn't even say nothing. He's still talking about them, hot dogs, that's classic.
Speaker 1:If you're listening. Stay away from that home depot.
Speaker 2:And so name me, name you're, so you're, you're dating what?
Speaker 3:what is dating like?
Speaker 2:I mean you're still, you're still dating you in the committed relationship here's.
Speaker 3:Here's this dickie part my African brother.
Speaker 3:I believe that Perspectives of what you're doing right, I don't feel like I'm I'm dating. I feel like I'm spending time with the person that I want to be with. I feel like I'm dedicating Like the time that I would consider my free time doing something that I really enjoy doing, which is spending time with her. I mean so, for me it's not, it's not dating, because, like, if I'm with her, hey, whatever we're doing is fine, whatever she wants to do, I'm okay with it, because I mean, for me it's not about doing other things. And this is like I said. That's why I say, for me is so perspective, because she's the same way, if we're, hey, we're happy together.
Speaker 3:You know, maybe we want to go watch, watch the Sun, maybe we want to go watch ducks, do some little weird like that, and those types of things to me are most important because, you know, while it seems small, it's extremely small, but we're not enjoying Just that small thing. We're enjoying that small thing and we're just enjoying spending time with each other. So so I would say that's that's my perspective of of dating and like, I guess, being with someone, but like I don't, I definitely don't not. You know, doing things and going out and you know hey, because that's that's just as fun too. But for me and and and my girl, I feel like it's it's just about hey, our time together. It's. I guess it's the most important thing to us and so far, I mean, that's been Probably one of the most beautiful relationships that I've had.
Speaker 1:I'm happy for you, but I just wanted to say that I feel like that is dating as well, like if you and your partner want to go watch the sunset, that's still dating right. It doesn't have to be like, oh, we're going on a date, this is, you know Stravagant thing.
Speaker 1:I booked us this it doesn't even have to be that. It could be like I like to say, walks on the beach. If we Can get away for a walk on the beach, that's dating like that's my, that's our date, that's our quality time, that's something that we both enjoyed doing. So I don't think it has to be something that you put together and pay for it For it to be classified as a date.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm not cheap, though. First of all, I don't know, always take my woman to Mickey D's. You don't play with me.
Speaker 2:Dala, may you all. You can eat three items.
Speaker 4:It's an intentional act, you know, with the purpose of spending time, quality time, and being together with intention right and having a specific experience with the person or sharing that experience with the person. It doesn't have to be this whole production, but sometimes it should be sometimes yeah, I think for me Dating exclusively one person at the moment.
Speaker 2:Oh snap.
Speaker 4:All right, let's not do this.
Speaker 2:You know, you know who I am. Oh snap, here we go, let's go.
Speaker 4:At one point I will say, over the last like year and a half, I was dating multiple people and that experience taught me a lot too, like people being willing to have those Experiences and be intentional was a big thing, especially because you see so much discourse online about how to date and how you should connect and actually Taking the time to experience multiple people in that. That way, you get to learn more about how you want to Be intentional in that way or what you want to experience at least the person I'm with now. We start with what we like. Like okay, we want to go to get brunch, we're gonna go to a brunch. If we want to go to a movie, we'll go to a movie. One of our things now is skating, so sometimes we'll just go to the skate park.
Speaker 3:I want to skate, but I don't have ankles for it.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 4:I think, at least for the officially single people they get hung up with. I Don't know how to date, no one ever taught me how to date, and it's like even my homegirls. I thought I might be like start with something you like, you know, and go from there, and if that person is willing to have that experience with you, that means something.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's that's that's like it, because you, if you think about it, I've been saying something for a long time and and one of the things I did when I made my first Twitter profile Twitter, not Twitter. I guess it's pretty much the same thing now. One thing I did when I made my first Tinder profile back in the day was, I said to myself if they like me, they'll like me for me, and then that's cool, if they don't like me, they won't like me at all. So I have to be myself, no matter what that's real.
Speaker 3:That's. That's why that one chick kind of goes to me because of my comments about our kill.
Speaker 2:Oh man, I listened to that episode.
Speaker 3:But. But my thing is this I feel like opinions are very important, especially when you get in relationships, because if someone expects you to change, that's that's like a huge no-no. Like if, if you expect someone to change and it was weird because I said something the other day I told her I was like I love you. I was like don't change. And then I thought about it. I was like wait, I'm telling you not to change, like that's just as toxic as telling somebody you want them to change. Like I don't want. Like I want I want you to be you. I want you to grow and change. If you want, do it.
Speaker 3:If you don't, you know, I feel like that's a, that's a good perspective as far as, like we're trying to relate, like being yours and allow your part of being Be yourselves as well that on having the having whatever it takes that You're able to evolve together.
Speaker 4:I mean that's across all connections, not not even just romantic ones. Like people, will innately change. You know the way that the question was access. You know what has influenced shifts in your perspective. That happens as you learn, as you Dwarf more experiences and knowledge like, but having that quality that you need to have in that connection for you to not only evolve as an individual, but for your partner to also evolve alongside you. Like that you have to have that in order to really be, you know, happy and to have longevity.
Speaker 2:One of the biggest shifts that happened for me is when I was still single and I was dating before I met my wife. I had to really be intentional about what I was looking for, what I needed in a partner, what I wanted our relationship to be like, what I wanted a marriage to look like, and to really be intentional about finding someone who had all of the characteristics and had the similar ideas and thoughts of what married like life, and married life specifically, will look like. And we'd be on the same page. And when my mom first met my wife, the biggest compliment that my mom could ever give anybody is that, oh, you're such, you are so yourself when you're with her.
Speaker 2:And I have been in so many relationships where I had changed who I was and then you don't even always realize that you're changing who you are to make something fit. And when I stopped, when I found the person that I didn't have to change who I was and she doesn't have to change who I was, and they didn't have to change who I was and they didn't have to change who I was and they weren't like a good partner and they didn't have to change who I was. I was and she doesn't have to change who she is Remember. That's how I knew I had found the woman that I wanted to marry.
Speaker 4:The good, the bad, the ugly.
Speaker 2:Yup, I can be as nerdy as I want. Yes.
Speaker 3:As nerdy as you like, that's a blessing. I always knew you'd find the one, Richard.
Speaker 2:I always knew you. Thank you, coach, I always said it.
Speaker 3:I always said it. Now it's time for Kendra and Pam Tonette.
Speaker 2:And Namon, and Namon she said she's working on it. Namon, go ahead, we're next right Did.
Speaker 4:I. I said that you dating.
Speaker 1:You said it. You said it.
Speaker 3:You want to take that you want to take that the way you said it, though, it was like I am exclusively dating.
Speaker 2:I am. You know how I can't. When that is with her words, she's very specific with her stuff, but that's what she said I'm exclusively dating one person.
Speaker 4:I didn't say the one person part.
Speaker 1:We could read it down.
Speaker 2:there you put a lot of sauce on it, one person.
Speaker 3:I listen, because when people say things that means a lot. I have to listen, that's my thing. I might have said one person.
Speaker 2:I think the interesting thing about what you said Kanto Annette was that you talked about before you were dating multiple people, and I know that that is not usually an easy posture for most women to take. Like, trying to date multiple like women traditionally usually they find somebody that they like and they focus on that person. Men traditionally like usually we tend to hey like and we not together till we together. So like I'm just curious like I didn't have this on the sheet or anything but like what was that experience? Like changing kind of like the way that you are used to dating and focusing more on yourself and being open to date multiple people at the same time.
Speaker 4:Hmm, I mean I loved it. I think it was necessary for me to get clear on my dudes, my don'ts, my wants, my needs and allowing people to just share in the energy, and for me to learn from that. It wasn't easy because, like I said, I even have people who I love or people who you know, I have friendships or connections with, and they didn't understand it. For them it was impossible to be able to. They even say, like it's impossible for you to date somebody at once, to share yourself so many different ways. I'm just like, well, if I'm connecting with someone specifically, they might be sharing in a specific energy. You know, with me that doesn't mean that the K and 20 they get is the same case when it's somebody else gets you know.
Speaker 4:But it was just once I kind of start dating a person that, like you said, I felt like I could be more of myself, with the good, the bad, the ugly, the hard parts, the soft parts. It just made sense for me to be like, okay, I would rather date this person exclusively because it's no need for me to shop around anymore, but also being able to say like I wanted to date just because I wanted that experience. I wasn't dating to try to get in a relationship, I wasn't dating to try to get married or anything like that. It was fair for me to say I just want to have an enjoyable experience with these people. And I feel like that's still something that's hard for a lot of others to digest, especially coming from a woman. But also, that's none of my business, you know you date how?
Speaker 4:you need to date and I'll do it how I need to do it.
Speaker 2:Do you feel like doing it that way helped you really narrow down what you were looking for in a relationship? Because I remember I think me and Amy talked about it on the episode dating multiple women or dating multiple people From doing that. It's different things that you like from a lot. Sometimes you connect with, like you talked about connecting. Sometimes you could connect with somebody on like two instances and somebody else you date you can connect on with a different instance, and it's like what I was looking for with somebody where I could connect to all of the instances, instead of having somebody I connect to on oh, we like sports and we like to go shopping together and we like to like do this and that.
Speaker 4:At one point I had one guy that I just dated and we didn't do anything, we would just watch, go watch the new Marvel movies together.
Speaker 4:That was like you know, but it was a beautiful experience for me it was and I know that that's something that other people may not click and understand and I just had to be clear with why I wanted to date and why I only wanted the experience. I was coming out of a hard breakup, you know, at the time, and it brought up a lot of other trauma and stuff with me from my past. So it was a form of self soothing through those experiences with people and I was clear on that. I was honest with them, like hey, I'm dating other people, you know. So, starting it off with honesty and also starting off with the expectations. So like, this is where we are. What are your expectations? Are you looking for a girlfriend or are you looking for somebody exclusively? Like that's not where I'm at.
Speaker 4:And then when I well, you know when that changes you communicate that as well. I mean, it's never going to be easy trying to connect with a person.
Speaker 4:I feel like, even though you're engaged and you're married, you know how that road can sometimes get tough when you're trying to find a person, but I feel like dating in itself is just a necessary thing that you have to go through so you can get clear on yourself. I say all the time like dating wasn't because of other people. It was for me to learn more about myself through connection with them.
Speaker 2:And that's what happened. That's, that's, that's so real Name, and give you the snaps.
Speaker 3:Look you're gonna have me in the car listening. Is it the way?
Speaker 1:I'm telling you. I'm telling you, I just got sooed, I'm like it's a girl.
Speaker 4:All day.
Speaker 2:No, that's what I said. Dating helps you like figure out who you, who you are like, how you connect with people, how you interact and all of that stuff, and it's just, yeah, it's. It's like that's one of the reasons why I even look at bi relationships and like I always hope that it's not just me, like I hope that other people are getting. The people that I've dated in the past got something like even though we didn't end up together, I hope that they got something that helped make them a better person or help them learn a lesson, just because every situation, even the bad ones I was in, is like at least I know what I don't like now, or what I don't want, or what I, what I feel like I'm worth, what what I want Settle for. And it was. It was like something else you said.
Speaker 2:I can remember it like dating and being doing that expectation talk, just like you being very upfront about what I was looking for, and like I remember like women never would take that seriously you know what I mean Like they still would be like, oh, we're about to be together. But, on the same token, I remember having that kind of talk with other women that I had dated and it's like I didn't take it seriously either. So it's like it's always like you always want what you want and like honestly, like I can't I can't even put it on somebody who told me like I wasn't really looking to be in a relationship. We can kick it, but it's like I respect that because I've done the same thing.
Speaker 4:It's not the same thing, so it's like keeping an open mind that people aren't like they're not. They're not concrete, repliable or plastic. They change and what you want and what you, based on what you saw and experience with this person, may change, you know, and keeping the grace for that, because sometimes you might start off and you be like I really don't want nothing from you, but you know we can just chill and then it comes into something else, or vice versa that person was going to person that you wanted to have the longevity with and then you just like you know this ain't gonna work. You have the option to change your mind.
Speaker 4:I feel like sometimes, within this atmosphere of dating, everybody's so scared to be vulnerable, so either we close in on ourselves and it's kind of like we cap our growth and our learning because of it, because it's certain things that I wouldn't be able to know about myself had I not had somebody else to be a mirror. You know like sometimes I can be bratty, sometimes I need to compromise a little bit more, and it's very much some cases now where I'm like I have some nose, but the person that I gave a no is kind of yes, you know, man.
Speaker 2:I had some nose.
Speaker 3:I had some nose and then I gave somebody a no and it was kind of like a yes.
Speaker 4:What I mean by that is like you have when you're isolated by yourself. You have these ideas of how you want to enter the dating field right, and you have all these lists. People are supposed to check out. On some level it's healthy to have that. But if you don't know how to compromise a little bit, you might miss out on something If I had stayed with my no with the person that I'm dating now. I would have missed out on the good parts because he was a no on paper.
Speaker 2:I get what you're saying, so he must be like five to. That's OK, you keep your short cane. What's he?
Speaker 3:like. What's he like? What's he like TI in that one movie, atl. What's he like? What's he like the other TI? Like the gangster TI right in the other movie? What's that what he played with? Oh takers?
Speaker 2:Oh, takers, takers, Takers, takers.
Speaker 3:Takers, takers, he was just a bad guy. Right, you got to use TI. You can use TI's characters in all his movies. He's always like gangster, but sometimes he's not like an ATL. He was cool, trying to help, so that's why you said he was a no on paper. So was he like TI and ATL? Ti and takers what I don't?
Speaker 2:know, I guess you'd have to know.
Speaker 3:You'd have to have seen those movies. I have what's a no on paper. This is my question.
Speaker 4:So I said that I wasn't open to dating a man with kids.
Speaker 4:The guy I'm dating now has kids and, honestly, when I looked at it, I was like this person is treating me better than guys ain't got no kids, the guys who really ain't got nothing. You know what I'm saying? Like it was just not adding up, like I couldn't justify my reason anymore, because my reason was always I think I would want to be selfish with some time, like I'm not selfish, but I don't think I want to split my time. I felt like that's a big responsibility. But he managed it well. You know, I never have to worry about feeling seen and heard and provided for in certain ways because of that, you know. And I had to really look at myself and ask like okay, why was that a no in the first place?
Speaker 4:It was because I had you know, I had this preconceived notion about what it meant.
Speaker 2:Tear up your list. Keep your list, but tear it up when you need to.
Speaker 4:But I know what you need to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree with that. I think, when your single is easy to write down a list of things that you want, right, so you build out that here's my list of the things that I want and here's the things that are my no goals. I'm not compromising on right. That's easy, right. But then in all actuality, life don't work that way. Right, because, just like you said, right, I can have this amazing list this is what I want and what I don't want. Then you can meet a guy that's like, wow, he is really great to me, but he's not really, he's not really checking off this list of things that I thought I wanted or needed. But this is how I'm getting treated and I didn't even know that this is the way that I needed to be treated.
Speaker 1:Now I'm, that list that we created don't really even matter, right, and I think that list in a lot of ways, especially women, can hold us back. When we just have a listen, it's like, oh yeah, you're. You know you're too short, or you got kids, or your job isn't a good enough, or you know, we got all these expectations and it's like, but that could be a great guy and we say, oh, no, because he's not meeting my checklist. I don't want him, so I think that that we get in our own way a lot of the time. So when it comes to date and I do understand what you're talking about when you say you know, well, this is my list of stuff, but, dang, he's amazing why would you want to miss out on an amazing person because of a list that you made up?
Speaker 2:That sounds like a Tyler Perry movie right there. That's a Tyler Perry movie. I'm sure he done made that movie like six times, not?
Speaker 4:with the bad way.
Speaker 2:Yes, with some arm or with the fake. Oh great, Straight back, oh this also find the balance in that.
Speaker 4:It's like you have to have standards. You have to. You know I'm saying you have to have something that says, okay, this is where my boundary is. But you also have to know that sometimes those are going to change. Sometimes somebody is going to challenge it in a good way, sometimes some people are going to challenge it in a bad way. But being open to continuously learning more about yourself and your reasons why, you know, it just keeps it, keeps it realistic. The thing with the kids is like I'm 32. That can't just stay off my list. You know. It's just. You got to be more open to adjusting where it needs to be adjusted and if you're okay with the reason why because I tell him all the time I'm like you're around, because of the way you treat me, because of the way that you allow me to be myself If that changes you know, then don't we change.
Speaker 2:that's a different conversation. No, that's that's, and that's what I said. Like that that's that's beautiful, because I remember watching it was relationship goes past your Michael Todd, he talked about having a list and then actually like when you find that person, that person might not meet. That list is not always about certain things. But like I did like and I was kind of like the same way, like I was flexible on my list, but I did have like deal breakers, like if a woman didn't want to have kids, like that was enough for me because I don't have any kids and I want kids If a woman like wasn't religious like I'm religious at least a little bit like that was kind of enough for me, just because, like I know how I want to live my life and I want us to have like similar similarities when it comes to certain things. So it's like certain things that was a deal breaker for me. But like you have your heart knows, but everything else, like you can kind of be flexible on.
Speaker 4:Yeah, the little details.
Speaker 2:Thanks for sharing that, because I know you usually don't talk about none of that stuff. Boy, we had to get it out of it.
Speaker 3:We literally had to squeeze that, that Georgia.
Speaker 1:We just make her feel really comfortable.
Speaker 2:That's what it is. She missed us. That's what it was I got.
Speaker 4:Maybe I'm over sharing because I'm not used to be on the bike.
Speaker 2:That's probably. That's probably it. We caught her on the good day. She just came back from a most is y'all that liquor hit and she, like man I'm being too honest right now, but I'm hearing All right so I got some quick hits for y'all real quick and I'm like I have some questions based off of previous episodes, titles, and I'm going to ask you all the question and y'all can answer it, like everybody doesn't have to answer it if you want to answer it, but just like a short answer. So the first one that I have anybody can answer if they want to is love really blind? Yes, yes, love is really blind.
Speaker 3:Like the show no.
Speaker 2:Like the show no.
Speaker 1:I love the show, by the way, but I agree, love is blind.
Speaker 3:Okay, so here's the sticky part.
Speaker 2:Hold up. It's not like you're about to go into a long explanation. It's supposed to be short. I keep it real short. Long story short.
Speaker 4:So I got to explain myself.
Speaker 3:Long story short. I do not believe that love is blind. I believe that everyone that says they can love someone Well, okay, hold on, let's back it up for one second. What do you mean when you say love is blind? Do you mean like you think you could just meet somebody on the other side of a wall and be like I love you and they be like I love you too, and then when you meet, they look hideous and you're like.
Speaker 2:I still love you, even though you look the way you look. Sure, let's go with that, let's go with the show.
Speaker 3:Absolutely not.
Speaker 2:Love is not blind.
Speaker 3:It is not because I mean. The thing is, you are attracted what you're attracted to, and that's okay, right, but if you're not attracted to them, you're just not attracted to them. I don't think any amount of love is going to change that.
Speaker 4:So you were talking about it in the physical aspect.
Speaker 3:Well, I mean, that's what. That's what we're saying, like, if we're saying like love is blind, that's what essentially what that would mean. Like I feel like you can love them, but you won't be able to give them too much of anything else if you're not attracted to them. I mean, that's, that's just it. You can love them like you want them to be great and love their feet and stuff like that and be totally happy with what they do, you know, in their daily lives.
Speaker 3:That's what I'm saying. But when it comes to like I feel, like the physical aspect, you won't be able to provide that to them, and you see what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:So I get what you're saying. I kind of say I think love is blind, but it takes more than love to have a relationship and a good relationship.
Speaker 3:I think that's.
Speaker 2:I think you can follow, I might be thinking about this too deep. Like I see you over there. You like glazing off to the.
Speaker 4:Because I don't know what you talk about in the physical aspect. Like is love, like.
Speaker 3:I'm saying, I'm saying like love as the way we know love, like oh, I love you, I want you to be happy, etc. Unconditional.
Speaker 4:And then?
Speaker 3:and then you have to add the physical to it, right?
Speaker 4:And that's what I don't think physical is the only level of attraction, though you have sexual attraction that's separate from physical. It can be separate. You have you know mental attraction is different levels of attraction. I feel like there's plenty of people who might be attracted to somebody's mind. They might not necessarily like they face, I don't know. Like that's why I was like maybe I'm thinking too deep. That's what.
Speaker 3:I'm saying, like we're saying this, like you said the same thing.
Speaker 2:Alright, kendra, go ahead, close it out.
Speaker 1:I was just going to say. I get what she's saying, though, but I think personally that more applies to women. I don't think men can get over not being attracted to a woman. But I think, women, we can actually be in love with the way a man treats us and his mindset and etc. We can fall in love with that and be in love and be in a great relationship with a man. But I think men are not able to get over the physical attraction If they're not physically attracted to you. I think for men that becomes challenging.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think you're right I think for most men.
Speaker 4:I think that's just where you place that value in what is most important in your attraction. I think I've said before, for me I'm not physically attracted to someone. I could see somebody and I could say, oh, they look great, but physically it doesn't do anything for me until mentally I'm attracted to them. I mean that sapiosexual part. I don't find people attractive unless I'm mentally stimulated by them. So yeah, I don't know, it just works different.
Speaker 2:Nope, I'm going to stop you right there. I'm going to stop you right there. So the next one is can you be friends with your ex?
Speaker 1:No no.
Speaker 4:One no I mean, why would we want to do that Exactly?
Speaker 3:What is your definition of friends, though?
Speaker 2:Friends. What's a friend? I'm not really understanding. I feel like not immediately.
Speaker 1:No, definitely not immediately. I agree with that.
Speaker 3:Here's my definition of friend hey, oh wow, you're still alive. All right, let me finish. It's really short. Oh hey, oh wow, you're still alive. Yeah, I'm still alive. Okay, what have you been up to? Nothing much, Just chilling you saying, all right, have a great day. That's my definition and level of friends.
Speaker 1:That's cordial. That sounds like you at the grocery store.
Speaker 2:I really saw him at the grocery store when he said that that's exactly what I saw.
Speaker 3:I feel like that's fair, like I feel like, hey, oh man, you still alive Wow.
Speaker 2:Is that lettuce on sale? You got two, all right. Yeah, you got a 10-year-old now.
Speaker 3:Oh snap, Whoa glad you're alive. Peace be with you.
Speaker 4:Like I said, I feel like it's possible. I personally don't have a problem with it as long as it's not immediate. You can't just break up and be like we friends now.
Speaker 2:Breathe, a room we have to have some breathing room.
Speaker 2:Now I feel you. When we were talking about going back and forth on point of views, I listened to that episode where this question came from and I was like, yeah, you can't be friends, but I don't think you can necessarily be close friends, and I think it depends on the nature of the relationship and what kind of relationship you're in now, because it's like I'm not going to be friends with anybody that my wife's uncomfortable with, period. This is like all right, we can be friends on Instagram, whatever, but we can't be close like that If you ain't friends with my wife. You know what I mean.
Speaker 3:But I think, respectfully respectfully any relationship, right, I feel like any relationship. If you're dating someone or you're, you know you, your agreement with them is not to cheat on them. If you feel like that that would jeopardize your relationship, I feel like, hey, you should probably assess it, right? Is that safe to say it might be an issue to call in me? People call in my phone every time, every time something happened. Hey, can you come fix my stove? You know, I feel like those types of things.
Speaker 4:That's fair. Oh yeah, that's fair. We didn't look at too much, that's totally fair.
Speaker 3:I feel like at that, like if you could, because regular conversations or, you know, hanging out with people, just just friends, that can escalate to hey, hey, you smell nice Like that. That can escalate Like that could be a bad situation. No, Like I said, it depends on what your situation is too, though. What's the other end? Wait a minute. What's the other end of that? What's the wait? What, what do?
Speaker 4:you mean, I feel like this is a very like one end or the other, and I feel like sometimes things fall in the middle, you know, like if somebody's been in a relationship with someone for years and they ended amicably.
Speaker 4:You know no hard feelings or whatever, but the emotions just weren't there anymore. If that person would have come to me and be like you know what, I want to check up on her, or you know she wanted to have a conversation about whatever, I wouldn't feel any type of way, but that's just my level of feeling secure in the relationship too. If I feel a little bit more insecure, I might not feel like I want you to have this open connection, or if I feel like something's there that might influence me, not wanting to have that open path. But most of the time I feel like you know it's possible and I don't think that it's always going to be a hard. No, sometimes I feel like it's just depends on the situation.
Speaker 2:I think that was one of those things in practice that sound like you got into. You actually get it. It's like one of those things that knowledge versus practice, like actually like having that situation versus talking about it. I'm going to go ahead and move on to the next one, because it is kind of related the friend ultimatum. Can you, would you, tell your mate not to be friends with someone, or would you accept them telling you not to be friends with?
Speaker 4:somebody else. I got it to it.
Speaker 2:I said the friend ultimatum. So basically, would you let your mate tell you that you couldn't be friends with a particular person, or would you tell your mate that they can't be friends with a particular person?
Speaker 1:Oh, okay.
Speaker 4:I think you could request.
Speaker 1:Oh, I can tell and you could decide, or I could decide for you.
Speaker 4:Yeah, that's always a choice.
Speaker 2:That's why it's an ultimatum.
Speaker 1:Then I feel like I wouldn't want to have to tell you, I wouldn't want to even have to bring that to you, because I feel like, if I'm your woman, you should see how I feel about you, like you know how I'm feeling about the situation and you decide at hand what's for you, know what's most important to you. Like if, if, if making, if the woman is making, or the situation is making your wife, your fiance, your woman feel uncomfortable, then I think, ideally, you should want to you know in that, for the sake of you know your relationship, especially if that's the person that you're going to marry off the, especially if it's the person that you have married. I would want you to do that on your own.
Speaker 1:Once I have to bring it to you, I'm just not going to want to have to do that, because there's only one answer to that and by the time I bring it to you I'm probably already know I'm out because I have to bring it to you.
Speaker 3:She'll be clapping To the light for you. No-transcript.
Speaker 2:I told you already. I already told you this If I see her near you, I mean personally, I would say it's it's.
Speaker 3:It's not my place, I guess, to tell anybody what they should do with their lives, right, but the only thing I can control because I don't believe in controlling anyone the only thing I can control is myself and where I put myself. So if someone would like to do something that was irritating me, I would voice my opinion and I thought about it and let them get that on their own and if anything changes, then cool. Not that I have to start thinking about how to remove myself from the situation, because the last thing I'm going to do is argue with someone else about my piece like or what I believe that I deserve as as an individual.
Speaker 2:I go ahead and jump in. I think for me that if I, if I have to be with someone and I have to give them an ultimate on about a friend, then that's not the person I should be with. Like if I have to worry about something like my, my wife's friends, then that wouldn't be the right person. Like I don't have to worry about my wife's friends in the same way Because I know she'll respect us, she'll respect our relationship, in the same way that she doesn't have to worry about me because I'm going to respect our relationship and her in the same way. So I don't yeah.
Speaker 2:It's like. It's like would you give your mate a friend, ultimate on basically saying that they need to get rid of a friend for y'all to stay together, or would you accept one?
Speaker 4:I can't never just give a straight answer.
Speaker 2:You don't have to answer. It depends on my reason, but go ahead.
Speaker 4:No, it's just, it depends on my reason. Like if I'm saying like I'm getting vibes from her but she didn't like or she ain't didn't, I don't really have a place to say like you have to set some boundary with this friend, like you know, that's a choice you're going to have to make. But if it's some serious things going on where it's like some disrespect or some lines cross, some boundaries cross and you're not stepping in, then I don't feel protected, I don't feel hurt in my relationship. Then that's a whole different thing. But sometimes I do think like, like I said, I've had a conversation where it was like people think like, oh, you shouldn't have, you know, friends of opposite sex and stuff like that. I'm just like it's a little. I don't feel like you have the authority for somebody, based on what you got going on internally, to say, hey, you can't be friends with this person just because I don't trust them based on their gender, like I don't feel like that's fair to your partner.
Speaker 2:I think it's more like I don't trust. At that point it's like I don't trust you, though Like they wouldn't trust you. That's what I said.
Speaker 4:I was like then the trust the issue of trust is between you and your partner. You know you and the other person. But yeah, it just depends on my reason why. But yeah, if I felt like I was being disrespectful in some way, it would definitely be like, hey yo, you got to cut that off.
Speaker 3:Hey yo, hey yo bruh bruh.
Speaker 4:Well, hopefully, like, like Kendra said, like it would annoy me for me to even have to come to you with that, you should already you should be tapped in, tuned in for you to know.
Speaker 2:I think that's hard, just because sometimes, like especially as men, sometimes we're kind of oblivious to what's going on. So I still think, I still think it's important for your mate to communicate, just because I mean like just it's always that thing. Just because if I feel it, then my partner, who knows me, should feel it too and that's not always a fair assessment just because our minds could be in a completely different place. I remember dating someone who was really, really jealous all the time and it was like when we were flirting with me and I'd be just trying to play Xbox or something like that, and it's like I don't even she, I didn't even know she was flirting with me, you mad at me for something she doing. I ain't paying attention to it, I don't know. Here's the thing.
Speaker 3:I think I understand what Kanchelnetta is saying when she says like. Or Kendra said it, she said well, you should already know, like if. If you know, that's the but I. I perceive that as saying like me, if I know you and I'm getting to know you and at this time we're together, you know, it should click in my head like hey, you know, because I feel like in any relationship, your goal is to make this other person feel comfortable with you in general. So for me, I notice little things like if. If you're starting to feel a little certain time, I'm like okay, well, is everything okay, like, because this is not normal. So I think that's what. What she means Like right.
Speaker 1:Would that be safe to say? Like you mean, like exactly we tapped in. And he knows that this bother me. With that, I don't even have to like we can have the conversation. But before we have the conversation he has the ideal that something's bothering me and vice versa, like you know, because you're paying attention, you know like it's paying attention versus being oblivious to everything, including your partner.
Speaker 3:We don't want you to meet the.
Speaker 4:He was saying to it's like yeah, this is why you have to know what your why is so that when you have the conversation with your partner, you can communicate that why with them? And he's like well, I didn't see her do X, y, z was like let me tell you you know being okay with those conversations.
Speaker 2:No, I mean, I feel I feel what you were saying, to name it, but I don't like. One of the things that I do disagree with you on is that I don't feel like it's your place to make your partner feel necessarily comfortable. I don't think that's the main job, like it's not to make them feel comfortable.
Speaker 4:You can do that all the time.
Speaker 2:It's a it's to make, because it's like you can't control somebody else's like insecurities out of the way that they view things. All you can do is be authentic.
Speaker 3:I'm not trying to when I say that. I don't mean when I say trying to make someone feel comfortable, meaning if we go somewhere and I'm, I can clearly say, hey, I'm fine right now, right, like, I'm okay. So is there is there something like hey, I can do? Is you know what? That's what I mean. I mean like offering hey. If you're looking, even if I'm out with you, richard, like you you're having an issue, I'm going to look at you and say, hey, is everything cool? You good, like, is there anything that I can do to help this situation? Because, hey, we're trying to have a good moment right now. Whatever, it is right.
Speaker 3:No I don't mean like control, I'm just saying like just noticing and being attentive. I guess is basically what I'm saying being attentive to feelings or emotions, or even just what. Do you call them Regular signs? Right, just regular cues. That's what I mean.
Speaker 2:I got you those things, I got you All right, so this one can be quick. This one should be quick, I think. So what could you maintain a long distance relationship? I thought the other ones was going to be quick too, but like I'm thinking this one like could you maintain a long distance relationship?
Speaker 1:Personally I couldn't, so no, for me it's a hard pass.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 2:Yes, name it.
Speaker 3:No, absolutely not. I did it before and it was crazy, and I'm not doing it again.
Speaker 2:I don't think I could either, especially being married Like my wife, like her job was talking about center out of town for two weeks. I was like I guess I'm going to be working out of town for two weeks, because ain't no way like two weeks a long time, man like I know. Absence make the heart grow yeah no, you know, these do seem like a long time. That's a long time. Two weekends Come on.
Speaker 3:Two new episodes.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I was sure that somebody in the military and we'd be going for months.
Speaker 2:Two weeks for me. Like man, I miss my wife.
Speaker 3:I feel like the military relationships. That takes a lot. I feel like that's admirable because I mean, obviously this person is serving for our country, but it takes a lot. I feel like to have a relationship and just to be there for that.
Speaker 2:Why you make that face.
Speaker 4:He had to go all patriotic. I mean it's real.
Speaker 2:You're serving the country. Thank you for your service, Kansan.
Speaker 4:I got a W2. It's a job All right.
Speaker 2:So the last one of the quick hitters is it's unconditional love and a relationship real.
Speaker 4:Oh, and it shouldn't be.
Speaker 2:No, yes, naima.
Speaker 4:You talk about romantic relationship.
Speaker 2:Romantic relationship.
Speaker 3:Wait, what is? What was the question?
Speaker 2:Unconditional love and a relationship real is unconditional love and a relationship real. This is the thing. Does that exist?
Speaker 3:Did you write this down?
Speaker 2:Yes, it was. It was based off of an episode that we had started with Dr Saudia. You keep saying stuff like that.
Speaker 3:I think you'd be making stuff up, but I'm going to go ahead and answer your question.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 3:From my perspective I would say unconditional love is it should be like. I feel like love in itself should be pretty much unconditional, right, if you love someone, for whatever relationship or whatever reason, you should love them unconditionally. Your love shouldn't be, hey, well, I love you because this, or because you're doing this for me, or anything. It should just be hey, I love you because I love you. So, yeah, I believe of course it should exist.
Speaker 2:I go back and forth on it. I go back and forth on it.
Speaker 3:I think I would you love people with conditions.
Speaker 2:No. I think love is unconditional, but I think relationships aren't unconditional.
Speaker 3:Did you hear what she said, Richard?
Speaker 2:Did I miss it? What'd you say? Cancer nut.
Speaker 3:She said yeah, she loves people with conditions. What does that even mean? That?
Speaker 4:like so it's like how he was explaining.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So what I'm saying is that, like you can love somebody, but like when it comes to the sanctity of a marriage and vows or just even a relationship, you set up these things. It's like certain things happen. It's unacceptable. You can still love somebody that you not with, but in order to maintain a relationship, you might still love someone, but it may not be able to be in a romantic relationship with them because of something that they've done. So I think, unconditional love is real, but that doesn't dictate that your relationship is unconditional.
Speaker 4:And I think like that's one of the tick talks that kind of took off.
Speaker 1:I feel naming, though I think I'm on the same page with him.
Speaker 4:I was about to just echo that. Like one thing I said was it's not my love, that's, you know, our conditional, it's my presence. So it's like we have all probably been in relationships where they ended badly or poorly or whatever. You still love that person and you know you have to grieve that person. That love doesn't just go away, but you do. I want my person to have conditions with how I treat them, how I show up to the relationship, because that signals that they have that self love and that confidence within themselves and vice versa. Like I don't think that we should expect so much. You know what I'm saying. I don't expect my partner to love me the way my daddy did. I don't expect my partner to want me to love them the way their mama does. You know a romantic relationship is different and they should come come with some kind of conditions on how you treat and show up for that person.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that was. I think you said a way more eloquently than I did, but yeah, I think she did too Does that make more sense. I don't think I did.
Speaker 3:Because I mean, richard was like yeah, you know what you? I don't think you can love a conditional, but you know you can't be unconditional.
Speaker 2:What? No, I didn't say that at all. Whatever jargon you spend on there, I swear.
Speaker 3:It wasn't received here on the side.
Speaker 4:It's the thing where it's like sometimes we say unconditional love and we need relationship and so it's like trying to break apart that detail. That's where I was. Yeah, exactly, yeah, it's not the same thing.
Speaker 1:It's not like oh I love you unconditionally, you can just do anything to me Exactly, yeah, exactly. And so kind of the truth is I switch majors, are you?
Speaker 4:still Sat dreamcracker.
Speaker 1:If you've been like this before, what is your good friend? And also your mother? Or can they say they are part of the family space? I like that. Let me give you a brief name. No, actually, let youariamente type. That doesn't look like it. I kind of relationships, life couples. We start a bunch of time after a question right out OK, we create a relationship, but then we you mean the relationship it's as a kid Um, you want to tell me what that is. So that's what you were talking about back then you were saying you actually did this for a while.
Speaker 1:Right, I think I would have disagreed. But now you know, and being in my relationship, now I know that he loves me unconditionally Like I can do. Like in this man's eyes I can do no wrong. You know what I'm saying Like to feel that way is to know, okay, this man loved me unconditionally. Because, no matter what, he's going to forgive me. And I'm not saying, oh, I'm just gonna treat him poorly, but I'm saying I know what that feels like now so that I can answer the question and say, yeah, absolutely unconditional love can exist in a romantic relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was saying I had interviewed someone from my other show that she was talking about her ex and how they got a divorce and they've been divorced for years and she was like I still love him, but he couldn't work on himself to make the relationship work. He had things that he needed to work out within himself. So it's not that I didn't love him anymore, it's just that I had to love myself and separate myself from the relationship because it was killing me. So it's like, so she, that love didn't just fade away. It's just like we divorced now Like I don't love you anymore. It's like, no, I still love you, but for whatever reason, like our relationship didn't work.
Speaker 4:Well, maybe it's me and you, richard. We thought too much, we complicated the question, because when we hear unconditional love, we know a lot of people weaponize it to me. I want you to love me completely, no matter what, and sometimes it's just like you know that's not what the question was. I got you.
Speaker 2:I guess. So with that, I'm just gonna go ahead and close it down. I have to look at the notes. Let's see how do we use it. Anyway, can't, can't swim that. Kendra, thanks for coming on. It was great having you two both on again, I don't know.
Speaker 4:Do y'all want to?
Speaker 1:shout out any socials or anything. I can, I can, I can. She's the one, she's the one. We can see her, we can see her.
Speaker 2:Don't uh-uh, leave Kendra alone. Can't swim, that Don't know. Her social media stuff no more. That's okay, dude, let them be there. But anyway, if you want to check me out, you can check me out at Diozism and S-D-O-G-D-S-I-S-M. I do do another podcast called Still Talking Black. It's about all things blackness from a black perspective. Name it what you got.
Speaker 3:Yes, name here Diozism.
Speaker 2:What is it?
Speaker 3:That's how you can find me. No, I am the DJ Blue. On Instagram, you can find my new podcast, the I Am the DJ Blue show, and if you wait a moment, you'll hear it after this episode.
Speaker 2:That what? Don't have people waiting for something that ain't gonna be there? They were like man, I wait for this episode. It just went to something else, it just broke it. They gonna be emailing me.
Speaker 3:That would be hilarious. But no, yeah, I am the DJ Blue. That's pretty much it. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2:All right, I just want to just say thank you to everybody If you listened to this and if you listened in the past. Thank you so much. This is one of my favorite groups to get together. I'm so happy that we got to just come and just put an improv two episode together, and so thanks for listening and until next time, boys and girls, remember.
Speaker 3:There's always a next time. Stay tuned.
Speaker 2:What? No, there's nothing coming after this. There's nothing.
Speaker 1:Just make sure to stay tuned.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I better just get it.