Have you ever dated someone, and known something was off but chose to continue dating them anyway? Chances are you were ignoring red flags. In this episode, we talk about our experiences dating while ignoring red flags. and how friends can help you find your way when you're stuck in that love fog. As always to be a part of the conversation you can find us on Facebook and Instagram @RickAndNamon.
Host and Producer: Richard "Rick" Dodds @Doddsism
Co-Host and Show Music: @IAmTheDjBlue
Richard Dodds 0:00
This relationship talks with Rick and Naman, I am Rick.
And I am your host, the DJ. I am the D. J flute. Mr. Today, girls.
Richard Dodds 0:14
So the question that I have today is have you ever ignored a riff and dated someone that you knew? Yeah. Dana, the whole flag, a whole red flag.
You know, I see red flags. I love red flags recently, you know, those memes that was popping up or the the, the statuses where they put all the red flags in there, like they'll say, you know, she don't know the US or some red flag or you know, to me, like, they'll take like old jokes that they had before. Like, I saw one that was one of my favorites. It was like, if, if she had Aries red flags. I get it. I see it like that's, that's 100% I
Richard Dodds 0:59
didn't I didn't I didn't even know about that. Bills. I didn't know about that. I saw one today it was it said that if he's over 30 with no kids, and I made red flag.
Yeah, like, oh, man, see? 100% like I'm a red flag. I'm a super red flag, man. That's definitely my style. You know what, like, I love kids. And I mean, maybe I will have them one day, maybe I won't. But you know, it is what it is. Whatever guy is playing. You know, I'm totally on board with it. But I'm not for you, bro. I'm a red flag. I'm accepting of it. And that particular case, huh? 100 110%. I'm in the red flag that you you want to meet? So when
Richard Dodds 1:40
you're dating someone, what are some things that you look for? What are some things that you would consider red flags? When you're first talking to somebody?
This is a good question. Because look, I when I tell you when I tell you based on all of my relationship experience, because I do have a degree in micro Science of Love. And oh, yeah, it's it's literally said just like that micro science. It's new. Hmm, that's a new dog. I've never heard that. Micro scientific flub Anywho. Um, with my experience, I was just talking to someone the other day about noticing red flags here. And just like actually noticing some of the stuff that you've been through in the past, right. And the thing is, when how we notice a red flag, I would say in the first part, like I say, based on this is this is a part of something I've written. How we notice red flags initially is we see a red flag, right? A red flag looks different in color. The whole idea of red means stop. Right? So when you see that red flag initially, is teaching you Hey, stop. Yeah. So when you see that stop button, light or whatever you want to use in that metaphor. Stop.
Richard Dodds 2:55
So many red flags so many times that I've seen red flags, and it's been like, go yes, yeah, God, like, like the complete opposite of what you're supposed to do. Most
people do that. And the thing is, most people are so concerned with the idea of covering up the red flag. See, while there are red flags, the red flags may get drowned out by those other things. Because that person who has the red flags, they know that they have red flags, so they have to cover up those things. And pretty much just have a show.
Richard Dodds 3:28
I mean, what's a red flag for one person may not be a red flag for another person as well. Oh, what you consider a red flag might not be a red flag to me. One of the things, one of the things if I'm out with somebody on a date, and they treat, and they're treating like the server, or the white people or the staff in a way that's like derogatory or just they're not just being rude to them. That's a red flag to me.
Yeah, cuz they're a bad person. Like that's just that's just I mean, I would say yes, that's got to be a red flag.
Richard Dodds 3:59
That's a definite red flag. Yeah,
I mean, personally because if you're if you're if you being rude to anybody that does it doesn't it's not necessary and in some cases, it is necessary to be stern or and or rude. Cases you Yeah, I'm serious like stern or rude because I mean it but with Wait, wait servers, staff and things like that. Anybody that that's giving you a service, they're they're working, it's not fair. Just trying to get it you're trying to do a job, go home, go to go to a restaurant and relax just like you doing and all you're doing is is making that time for them a little bit more difficult.
Richard Dodds 4:36
Yeah. Another thing that I look for, is, you know, when you're learning someone's intentions, we asked them what their intentions are, what their passions are. And they have no answer.
Oh, man, no. are like why
Richard Dodds 4:51
are you what are you looking for? No, no, you know, I just got tired of my baby daddy like ooh, red flag flag on the play.
Look. This is what this is. What we're talking about right here, this is the idea of a red flag, see, and that's what I say things that you've seen in your past, like for my ex, the types of red flags that I recognize is any woman, which I'm not dealing with anything like this now, because I recognize those red flags. Really remove them from my life. Because anytime they hit you up constantly to either not necessarily see how you are, is this more or less to see what you're doing in that particular time of the day? That's a red flag to me.
Richard Dodds 5:34
It's like, what are you doing right now? That's a red flag minutes from now.
And you know why? Because see, when I was younger, when I was like, 1819, yeah, a long time ago, I was a little bit longer for you. Wow. A long time ago, I texted, I felt like I texted I am, I chatted, I AOL, I did all those things. Literally all day, it was my life, right? I was your life. I remember, as I got older, as I got older, and the way my dynamics of the relationship changed, because, you know, you get jobs, you get cars, you get relationship, your, your, your loved ones, whoever they are, they get their houses, so you get a little bit more space to move around. So you can do more things. So now, with with me being able to do those things I don't want. I don't want a relationship with someone who can't just let me be like, You know what I mean? Like, it's not, it's not that I don't want to be, you know, content, but just say, You know what I'm doing. I told you what I was doing. You don't have to talk to me at every minute of the day.
Richard Dodds 6:39
I think it was for you, especially you feel like it's a lack of trust. Yeah, like, if they're constantly trying to figure out what you're doing. They're trying to, they don't trust you. It's like, I hate
I guess for me, but for me, because if I ask questions to things I've asked questions, I either already know the answer or I'm genuinely curious. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like I'm genuinely curious. So I'm not trying to I'm not trying to you know, do research I'm more or less just discovery like alright, well, you know, what are you up to? Like, you know, I was thinking about you you're on my mind not well, what are you doing right now? What is that? Did I just hear fun in the background? Are you having fun having fun without me? Are you having Are you having a good time? Stop having a good time right now. Oh, man, that to me on the phone PTSD,
Richard Dodds 7:23
man, I remember relationships where the person that I was with didn't want me to have fun with other people. So I became a square. Like, I was like, I'm not doing nothing, because,
and I and that's the thing. It's like, for me, I didn't necessarily become a square, I just figured out how to move around and maneuver. But still, it's annoying though. Because even even with maneuvering, like when I was hanging out at your house, we'd be sitting there man on the phone. We playing video games literally enjoying our freakin lives talking about the daily struggles and the issues of growing up with our parents
Richard Dodds 7:57
find the time to whine and just not think about anything you know,
make it make it make it jokes about vile cousins that you know a we go we go whoop in Street Fighter. We talk about those things. And then I get a text message like, Hey, what are you doing? I say nothing playing video games with my cousin. And then I get a phone call.
Richard Dodds 8:17
It's like, I'm doing something I just saw. I was spending time with a party.
And then like the PTA and like I said the red flags literally grow from there. Right? And then when they call you it's not hey, well look, I just wanted to reach out here your voice is more or less like
Richard Dodds 8:41
that brings up that brings up another red flag for me. Someone who can't hold a conversation. Oh, like if you can't hold a conversation if I'm having a conversation with you. And I'm asking you questions and you want given me really really short answers when we're trying to get to know each other or two and or if you're not asking me anything back questions constantly, you're not even asking me how I feel about anything. It's a red flag for me.
And this is the thing I look at is I've been stressing this because this would take a weird situation. It's very pivotal in a good relationship right? Because that just like you said, we talked about in a recent recent episode communication. Like that's like come on I like get your get your crap together. If if you're interested in someone be interested in them and that doesn't necessarily mean like I'm I like the way you look. And you're cool when we're around. Because if that's the case, then you can have conversations and that will be the same thing. But when you're around each other, engage in each other figure out what makes that other person tick, look at their emotions, look at their expressions, look at the things that they say when you ask them a direct question. See if they turn their head to the sideways.
Richard Dodds 9:56
They can't make eye contact when you ask
you But the thing is, and I guess that goes for some people, some people are afraid to, to ask those questions, some people are afraid to feel vulnerable and, and put themselves in a situation where they could either otherwise be called out. You know what I mean? So
Richard Dodds 10:15
I think sometimes people are so concerned with just being in a relationship, that they forget that you need to actually learn each other. Yeah, they're just happy to be in a relationship. But you know, it's a whole nother person. It's not just you, you know,
you are speaking to my heart today. This is, this is it. Because I mean, that's, that's the truth. That's the truth. In any relationship, you need to communicate who you are to this person, not only who they are to you, you need to communicate who the hell you are with them. Because at the end of the day, if they do not know you, you do not know them, all you're doing is hanging out, and having a good time with someone, you have a really good rapport with the word what
Richard Dodds 10:57
I was gonna say, I was just gonna say the worst thing is been in like, six months or a year in a relationship. And at the end of it, you actually do not know that person, or that person changed, but you never knew that person.
Exactly. And that that happens a lot. You know, you never knew him. Now, you you didn't know that they had, um, some other situations in the background. I mean, and that's, that's the way it worked. They had other situations working on they had, they had maybe something that they weren't necessarily telling the truth about. And you don't know, because otherwise, you did not say anything. You didn't ask those questions, or you just didn't? Didn't? I don't even know if it's not even care. It's not you didn't have the balls to go ahead. That's basically all it is.
Richard Dodds 11:43
I mean, you have to it's like, how can I be the closest person to you? You can't ask hard questions,
right? How is this person somebody you want to be with? And you can't literally ask them Hey, well, why do you like me? Like, I love that question. I've always asked that question. And I, my favorite question is what makes me different than than all the other people you've dated? Like literally, like buy
Richard Dodds 12:05
me stuff? Yeah. Like, what? That's the that's the, that's the
bar told you that. Look, I told you that. And we talked
Richard Dodds 12:13
about, we talked about on the show name and all
that in confidence, we talked about it on the show. But no, I mean, yeah, that's that's like, that's my favorite question. What What, what, what is the definition between me, you know, and your other persons or the other people that you dated, not that I'm trying to have a competition. It's just that me personally, I know my value there. And, and I know the red flags that I'm looking for. And one of the red flags that I look for is, if I ask you a question, like, what's the difference between me and that person? And you tell me something that's super basic. They're like, for example, something that everybody else does, like, Oh, I like you. Because you care about your vision. You wear glasses, you have corrective lens. Oh, thank you. I'm just I'm just saying. That's how basic that's how basic it is. Or I like you because you have nice hygiene and teeth. That tell you that that tell you that part, somebody
Richard Dodds 13:07
said that? I didn't tell you that was just somebodies response to that question.
That was legit. Somebody just say you have nice teeth, you have all of your teeth.
Richard Dodds 13:15
Okay, that's a low, that's a low bar. I think the thing that's worrisome about that, too, is that if you don't know what makes me different from the other people that you dated, then you're going to treat me like the other people you dated. Right. And I think that's especially more concerning when they've had a bunch of bad relationships. And I've been in relationships with, with women that have dated men that didn't treat them, right. But I was sitting here treating them right. But they treated me like I was one of those dudes who had previously they had previously been with so they never treated me like me. And so I was getting, I was getting, what do you call it, I was getting dumped on for stuff that I didn't even do. So she was bringing her previous baggage into the relationship that we were in. And she was treating me like I was just another do when I'm not. And I was very unfair. That was that was definitely a red flag that I should have paid attention to earlier.
And see that's the that's the thing, like I say about, like red flags, like your red flags that you have, um, everybody's got a red flag and some people react different to their red flags. You know, like for example, they have plenty of red flags. However, you know, they weren't seeing any red flags. They were however probably just seeing like, alright, well, this is different. So and so did this You better not do this and it just makes you feel weird. Like what like, I couldn't even do that you just you just mad cuz he did this to you or she did this. See like, what? What's your problem? Like?
Richard Dodds 14:48
It's never good to be judged. Based off of something that somebody else did. That means you're not learning me as a person. You're just treating me as a man. Yeah, and I say you are gonna treat me as Rick your treat As a man, and I mean, everybody has different nuances to them and gets it getting to know somebody. I mean, relationships are based off of trust. And if you don't know me, how could you possibly trust me? You got to start to get to know someone before you can really, truly start to have trust in that person. And
God, do you? Or did you write a book? You wrote that second book that I had sold. That sold out, because this is, this is Jim's man, this is, this is a very, I don't even know how to stress it enough. In any relationship, red flags real. And I always tell people, I say when someone shows you themselves in a major way, you do not do not. And absolutely, when I say do not, do not expect them to change for you, if they're going to change, they're going to change specifically based on their needs. And once they will not change, because you think they should change, okay, and then when you advise change, and they say, Well, I work on that you have to keep in mind, this is your definition of them. That is your representation of what you want to see from them. And that is not their representation. So stop expecting that you got to be always gonna end up in
Richard Dodds 16:19
it, you got to be real, you got to be realistic about it, too. I know, I think it's safe to say at this point that both of us have experienced some catching red flags and still going into a situation. There are definitely some times where I caught some red flags, I still was about to go into a situation and for whatever reason, it stopped and then you sit back, because when you when you're starting to get infatuated with somebody, you're starting to like somebody, you get that fog. Yeah. And you stopped paying attention to reason, like stuff is not reason anymore. There's no more logic users like thank you. And I liked them, we have a good time, even though it is, you know, like they had something hidden. You know what I mean? It's like, so many red flags is so unhealthy. And so how do you I know we have a way of communicating what what do you do? What is your philosophy? If you tell like if your friend and you see a red flag, maybe something that somebody didn't notice it? How do you how do you communicate that
I come to them in the most calm, I'm, I don't even know how to even put it but I'm calm, I'm calm. Because the thing is me. If anybody who knows me, I have a way of making someone see my perspective, right? I have a way of changing that around. That's a gift. It's a gift, because a lot of people don't understand me. So I've had to figure out a way to explain myself in an eloquent way so that you know, the person I'm talking to can understand me. So in this situation, I will basically pull that person aside, privately, obviously. And I will say, you know, how's everything going? Hmm. And for me, being the you know, doctor, psychologist, being the, you know,
Richard Dodds 18:05
being a DJ boo VHDX,
the person that I am, I'm very inquisitive. So I say, Well, how's everything going? Um, you know, what do you what are your intentions with them? These are like, literally what I mean, I've done my cousin's like this, you know? I've done you like this, like, because, because for me, personally, if I ask these questions, I can see how someone responds. So if I say, Well, what are your intentions with me? You say, I like them. I really see something going further. We hang out the conversation is always good. And data and I'm really interested to see where this goes,
Richard Dodds 18:46
you do you do a good job, you do you I will give you credit. You kind of are like a psychologist in that way. Because you try to get out, you ask questions to get to the red flag that you already saw. So you ask the questions. It's like how do I get to this? It's like a video game for you. It's like, how do I get them to see this red flag today? missing right now? So you ask the questions around it.
That's me, you know me like I hate I hate saying something that somebody misunderstand what I'm saying. So half of the time, I will literally say like 30 Other things in order to get to one point, because I have to I have to clever misdirect so nobody gets upset because that's not my intention. So when I ask something like that, if I get a response like that, I'm like, Alright, cool. Well, that's interesting. And then I asked, what are their intentions with you? And then that's when people get quiet.
Richard Dodds 19:34
You've asked me what updated that? Yeah,
that's what that's when they get quiet. Because for me, if I can already see like, Hey, I know what's going on. I see what's happening based on things that that the person has told me like, Alright, cool. Well, what are their intentions with you? Um, I'm not quite sure what what, what are you doing?
Richard Dodds 19:54
You should probably talk to them and get to know what their incentives are.
Ask them a question actually. A simple question, Hey, what are you looking for? That's like the simplest question. That's like in any sales position you'll have they'll tell you hey, that's that's one of the first questions you, you asked, what particular relationship are you looking for? Are you looking to be friends you're looking to, you know, bump buttons, what do you get out of me? What do you want anything is? And I say personally, whatever they say Be okay with it.
Richard Dodds 20:24
Some people assume that just because you want one thing, the person that you're courting or being courted by wants the exact same thing? Yeah, sometimes do's be Korean women, or they want us to cakes, but the women we want a whole relationship and vice versa. Is this times where we think we're hoping we're hopeful. We don't check the red flags, you know, look at the things that's going on. We'll say, All right, well, I want a relationship and then we're talking so they must want a relationship to know don't always work like that.
And see me being the persuasive creature that I am persuasive as a word, persuasive creature that I am. Um, I can often see, you know, in ways that I've tried to persuade in ways that other people are persuading, because it's the same thing. persuasion and doing things is the same thing. It's clever misdirection. I love magic. I've always loved magic. Magic is one of my, my favorite, like hobbies that I do not know how to do. I've got magic tricks galore.
Richard Dodds 21:25
It's like the tennis balls that you left on my house, because you're trying to learn how to juggle. They've been here for four years.
First of all, I didn't have to learn how to juggle. I already know how to juggle, buddy. So you keep your little comments to yourself. Right?
Richard Dodds 21:38
There's magic, go back to magic. Anywho.
That's like my little secret. And with magic, magic is clever misdirection. It's not it's not lying. It's just clever misdirection. It's more or less like, Hey, I've got flaws, which is a magic trick. A flaw could be something as simple as, um, this glass actually has water in it, but it looks empty. Mm hmm. You don't I mean, like, that's a that's a flaw, right. And what the magician does is he makes the floor disappear, and makes it look like it's supposed to be that way.
Richard Dodds 22:11
I mean, magic is a great way to it's a great explanation of it just because the action is going on in one place. Yeah, but they do something to distract you to pay. Like, oh, look at this over here. And it looks like something's going on over there. But the action that's going on somewhere else.
Anything I've done that everybody's done that we've all done that at one point, you do that on dates, you know if a female goes out and maybe her lashes dip in a little bit, you know, she's gone. She's like, Oh, what's that on the floor? She got slapped that boy. She felt like she got a pop that blew out the pocket. Even though to say well, what are you doing? Oh, my eyebrow was itching. But it's it's it's it's clever mister action and and that magic that magic? Sometimes it's, it's not necessarily something you can see past because in, in most, most magical situations like that, if they're hiding those types of things. There's a bigger trick that they're hiding. There's something coming, because there's always a grand finale. There's always that big trick when it comes to magic. There's always that big finale, that big part where you're just like, whoa, this person is a swing Golly. Like what's the oh, this person is has definitely follow the the Masters you know, and that's that's how relationships are.
Richard Dodds 23:33
So yeah. And I mean, thing that you try to do whenever you're in a situation is to get people to stop looking at the distraction, which sometimes is infatuation and love and it's like, oh, they're cute, or they're good kisser, good at this and that. You try to get them to focus on the substance, like look like all of us surface level, but the real action is going over here. Take a look over here. I know me personally, I never want to cross any lines with the people that I'm talking to. Because your mate is going to be the closest person to you, even if, like you and I you and our brothers were super close. But at the same time, whenever I come when it comes to love people, people tend to be blinded by sometimes, depending on what it is. You have to say it in the most respectful way. Like hey, have you noticed this, I might be something that you want to think about. Because you because if you if you do it too aggressively, what happened is that you will make them fall deeper into the other person's trick and then and help start pushing you away. When you might want to chances are like if you were a real friend, you only had our best interests in mind. 110 So you got to be really careful with with the way that you say it's always how to use kid gloves like hey, like, hey, like did you notice this like that might be something that you might want to watch out for is not to bring it
to their attention and then once you bring it to their attention, you basically just give it to them like look well, in my past. I've seen this thing happen and when I say I've seen seen it. I've seen statistics, they're like, you know, I can tell you if if a duck is gonna be a duck duck is automatically going to be a duck when it wakes up, right? Because it's always been a duck, it acts as a duck. You know, it's a duck. What do you think it's going to do? And it speaks, it's not gonna say, Hello, it's gonna quack. You know, so it's like respect that respect that same sense in a person, if they have already showed you that they were, you know, they had some really shady qualities. And then you come out and then you see a couple shady qualities, one here, one there. What do you do? What do you do?
Richard Dodds 25:36
So what do you do when somebody tells you a red flag? Somebody?
I mean, most of the time, I've already noticed it. Not slow. You know what I mean? Like, I get it. Like, that's the thing. And me personally, like,
Richard Dodds 25:49
I'm already I'm already ignoring that red flag. I know about. I'm just, I just chose not to do anything about it.
And 10% Right, you you, but I'm saying, you know, like, I'm the type of guy like, I will say like, oh, yeah, this is super toxic. Mm hmm. You know, I'm gonna see what happens. Like, I protect myself, I put myself in a position where, hey, you know, I know what the toxicity is. I know, I know, the level of toxicity. You know. Uh, so, you know, I always put in that position, like, alright, well, if this is what it's gonna be, then, you know, hey, at least I know it. I figured out and it's always it's always failure. Because it always is because you can't you can't succeed with toxic you can't succeed there. There's, there's no way that toxic can succeed. But people love toxic because it's toxic. And they like the feeling of toxic because it's the known evil. They know if it's toxic, they know it's gonna be toxic. You know, it's different, like, like, why wouldn't you just want somebody you can trust.
Richard Dodds 26:51
And you know, the thing I appreciate about our relationship is that it's times that you've pointed out things to me. And the thing about us is that we know each other so well, we know what to bring up and what is just like pointless to bring up. So like, after the relationship is over, you'll be like, Yeah, I saw that. Like, I didn't necessarily care for it. But I knew that I really can't tell you because you want to you want to be ready to hear it. And there's times where, like other people, you know, they might point out something. And it might not seem like I reacted to it or doing anything from it. But it's something that I put in the back of my mind. Yes, I store it. And then I play it up against when those things happen. And I look at it a different way. So now, even if I was aware, it makes me more aware. And if I was unaware now I'm aware. So I'm looking at the situation in a different way. It doesn't always change anything as a shifting though, because you don't want anybody else outside of your relationship dictating the way that your relationship is wrong. But it's always good to pay attention to wise counsel, like if you got friends is looking out for your best interest. I always think it's important to point out those flags because sometimes we get so caught up in in illusion that we actually missed the the trick that's actually going on.
Yes. See, that's that's lately, literally, like came right back to it. Like it's, it's all an illusion, it's all an illusion. It's like if you know, if if you know this person is toxic, they have toxic traits look, if you know these things, if you know that on a on a deeper scale, this person is bad. But they're not showing you how bad they've been or how bad they are. That's because they have cleverly they have cleverly covered all of those negative traits. Okay, but but the difference I would say with with those negative traits, the hard part about that is you can cover them up, but they do not disappear. So once once that that cover expires, if you will, all of those traits are going to surface again and at that time, it's going to be too late because you're already going to be in the lovey dovey. How can you do this to me stage
Richard Dodds 29:00
and the deeper you get into it, the more you ignore flat red flags at the beginning, the deeper you're going into the relationship the harder it is to overcome those red flags and walk away
seven years man I was locked up for seven years though seven years I was down bad. I had no lawyer I had no bail no bail bro. I was locked up for seven years. And the thing is I knew I knew the situation I was in was toxic. I had a foreshadow that it wasn't gonna work out. But
Richard Dodds 29:32
I mean, I talked to you about that situation, bro. You knew about that situation. I think I talked to her about the situation. Her family talked to her about that situation. That's kind of hey, we'll just keep it going for seven years. It's fine. Yeah, so I mean, me usually it's a good or a bad reason to ignore red flags, right like for you what is the thing that helps you to get over that hump of when you're ignoring, ignoring a red flag knowing ignoring a bunch of red flags and finally walking away from situation,
there's no ignoring, you can ignore a red flag.
Richard Dodds 30:04
I mean, you can, you can No, I mean ignore, nor are you just not acting on it. Like, that's not tolerate.
I feel like I feel like you can't necessarily ignore it though and I know it sounds kind of strange, but I'm saying that in a sense where it's like, when you see a red flag, it's not like you're ignoring it's more or less like you're looking at that red flag and the red flag is active. You can't ignore it because you can't ignore it. It's you can't, you can't just say Alright, well, you know, this is the same thing that's been happening. Okay? It's more or less like madness is the same thing that's always happening. Why does this keep happening? You're seeing you literally looking at the red flag, you know, but you're used to looking at this red flag that you saw in the beginning, get away from the red flag. I'm just staring at it. That's, that's like my whole point. Like, you can you can ignore it. You can pretend like it doesn't exist. But once you see that red flag, it's definitely there. It's not something that you should ignore.
Richard Dodds 31:00
Yeah, I mean, more so being in a situation for seven years and you knew that it was toxic, you knew was red flags. What? What got you over the hump? What finally got you to get out of that situation?
maturity, I reached a level of maturity. It took a while, I had to say to myself, like I don't know, as as a man I, I will like as any male would say, I like my ego stroked. I love my ego stroke who doesn't like their ego stroked? Right, right? Females like, hey, whatever, like you, you want somebody to, you know, stroke your ego. So when there is times of toxicity, or tacit critical scientific, that's the scientific word test. Statistical knows. It is a scientific word. However, when you get into you know, situations like that, I don't know. It's just, it's, it's hard, especially when they're, it's toxic, and they're stroking your ego. You know, they're saying this, like, it's like another hand. You're like, I'm really bad person. But you're so freakin awesome. Thank you, you know what? Like, like, I'm really probably gonna ruin your life. And I don't respect you. But you're so cool. Like,
Richard Dodds 32:18
like, they're feeding you where you need to be. But you're not totally full. It's like, you know, it's like eating a bunch of junk food and substance and nourish your body. Yes. Thinking that you get what you need, but you're not. Oh, my God. That's how you end up malnourished and relationship, man,
the mountain nourish relationships, bro like this. That's like the key because that's just how it works, too. It's like, they'll, they'll tell you like, Look, I'm a bad person. I really, look. I've got a terrible past. And to be quite honest with you a lot of those qualities and traits you probably still see. But I think you're amazing. And I love you. And I really want to do some nice things for you right now. So can I buy you a car?
Richard Dodds 33:04
I remember I remember you probably remember as I was dating someone, and she literally told me that she would cheat on me. She told me to my face. Yeah, she's like, don't you and it was kind of like and I still pursued it was like why am I pursuing somebody who's like point blank said that they will cheat on me,
because it was unknown evil. You knew the toxic, but at the same time, she was probably giving you something that made you feel like you were validated. She was validating some part of your manhood that made you stay?
Richard Dodds 33:34
Yeah, I mean, a lot. But still, I think for me, when it comes to red flags, especially like that, that's a huge one. I think I think the thing that for somebody like me, I'm a very driven person. And I try to put others ahead of myself when I can, especially my loved ones. And so if I'm dating someone, I'm always considering their needs more than my needs. I think the times when I've been able to overcome, like, really toxic relationships are a whole bunch of red flags and those times where I take time to reevaluate how I'm feeling. And then I have to reprioritize myself. And I have to look at the situation that if you're constantly doing stuff for other people, you're constantly been away for somebody else. Eventually, your cup is gonna be empty, you're not filling a cup, and you're gonna get to a point where you can't even pretend to be that person anymore. And so then, so then you can't be what they want for them anymore. And you haven't been what you want to be for yourself is a time where I just look, I had to look into myself and this is like a real situation. I had to look into myself and say, Man, I'm really not happy. I'm not getting what I need out his relationship. I'm giving her what she needs. And I'm not gonna be able to continue to do that because it's taking a tax is taxing my mental. Yeah, and I wasn't who I was anymore. I wasn't easy going in wasn't fun heart, you know me like back like it would be like, I stopped doing those things that I used to do, it will be times where people will call me and I be like, let's go, let's go do something I wasn't that person anymore. And I just didn't even recognize recognize myself anymore. I just didn't know who I was. And that's when I knew that I need to change, I need to reprioritize and I need to prioritize myself. And when you're in any, in any relationship, you need to remember that this good to give to other people, your partner, when you got to be careful who you're giving to, and make sure that that person is worthy of what you're giving, and also giving you back what you need. But at the same time, you have to take time to prioritize yourself, you got to make sure that you're taking care of yourself as well as that person. And if something that you're doing for that person is contrary to your own self care, then you need to reevaluate that relationship. And that is kind of the state that I have found myself. And one time when I was facing like a bunch of red flags, it wasn't going away. That it that it should and I had been in a situation for a while. So I just had to look at myself and reevaluate who I wanted to be and who I was as a person and know that I was changing in a way that I didn't like and I had to pick them on me and I had to pick me. You
had to make a decision. I had to pick me now it's funny you say like that was your situation. See, my situation was different. See, I didn't look at it from that perspective. I look at it from perspective. Like, like, This chick is always yelling at me. Like Like you don't I mean, like, like literally like, like, This chick is always yelling, cussing and calling me on my name. Like, like really like you. I'm not even that type of person. Like I don't I the only reason I'm calling you out your name is if if Hey, I feel like I should be calling out your name. But as far as like, my relationship I'm saying like as far as like my relationships go I don't I don't think is I don't want to disrespect my lady like, I'm not gonna do that. That's, I don't want to call you. You know those those names. I don't want to call you anything out of anger. Even if I get mad like you. You box cutter. Like, like, like, oh, like, did you just did you just call me a tool? Like no. But I mean, I don't I don't do that. But yeah, I had to realize like, like, all of the things that I was going through like, everything wasn't wasn't my fault. Like, I'm a piece. I'm a piece giver. I'm a piece give him a piece one or all I want is peace. And when I realized that the piece that I wanted didn't exist, then it was just like, Okay, well now I'm just sitting here and then that last time that last time she she yelled at me she cussed me out my name. I was like, Alright, then. I'm gonna talk to you later. Like I'll talk to you later. And that was the last time that was the last time she ever had that conversation like that cuz I'm not I look I don't play that. I don't play that. respectful.
Richard Dodds 37:51
I think it's crazy. I think we both been in situations where we weren't getting what we needed from that person. And then you're given everything that you have to them. And then they're they're talking crap like you're not giving me what I need. If I'm not giving you what you need, and I'm not getting what I need well peace like neither one of them. So we might as well just dissolve the situation right now.
Like we just we both we both in this situation. But is this what you want? What do you mean? Is this what I want? You just adjusted in crazy bad light? It
Richard Dodds 38:20
just broke over me.
What are you crazy like? This is what is this? What you really want? But I love you. You don't love me? You just broke up with me.
Richard Dodds 38:30
Like you were supposed to fight for me. You said
you were supposed to you didn't even try you didn't even try you just like I've been trying. I've been trying like I've been trying for seven years. You crazy. Banana Pudding. No see that stuff? See banana pudding when I started using food in negative terms. You spoiled milk.
Richard Dodds 38:56
I remember I was with someone who was trying to get me to stop hanging out with a friend of mine. And they were trying to say that the friend of mine was toxic. And they had me looking at stuff and research and stuff. And the stuff that I was researching. I had to stop looking at it. Because it wasn't the frame that looked toxic from the stuff that she was sending me. It was her who was looking toxic. And I was like, I was like she don't want me to talk to my friends. But the stuff that she sent to me kind of fits her more than any of my friends. So
yeah, take a quick look like what are you? Are you are you mad at yourself? Like are you a representation of who?
Richard Dodds 39:38
I don't think so that's probably like the biggest red flag that I've ever seen like our court that that was a huge one. Somebody's trying to point out stuff and me on other people, other relationships, other relationships and saying that I do stuff or saying that other people around me do stuff. And the things that they were pointing out were the things that they were doing. Yeah, they point out things that they were doing and doing sometimes to a worse extent, that was like a huge red flag. So in your situations in the new relationships and stuff that you've been in, what's the biggest red flag that you've caught? And I had to be like, Huh? What was one of the biggest things that ever caught you like it made you take a step back like, whoa, that's kind of?
Well, I mean, in my period, are you talking about? Not the spirit? Oh, man, that's, that's a hard one. Because I've caught many red flags. I've caught many. And the thing is, they've always been confirmed. Well, okay, well, I don't like it when people ask stupid, so I'm just gonna just foreshadow. Okay, I don't like it when people get off the phone. Hang up and do not say bye. I hate that too. That was a red flag for me. Well, look, I'm gonna talk. Hello.
Richard Dodds 40:50
And they already gone. Oh, hey, do
I just like what do you do? And that's a red flag for us in the equivalent of being hung up on my opinion. Exactly. Because the thing is, in my opinion, the the science behind that. I think it's basically like, you don't want to say bye. So you have a problem with actually ending the phone call? Yeah. Like, it sounds like you just don't want to end the phone call. So now we got this phone call just hanging in the balance. I'm sitting here. Do I go to sleep? Do I continue with the rest of my day? I didn't hear a bio on the alien. Like, you know, do I call this person back and say, I actually I did that. I think with this particular person in question. I actually call them back and say, Hey, did you hang up on me? Like was it was that Did you mean to do that? Because I Joe Joe. Yeah, like I said, bye. And then she's like, he's like, Nah, I just do that. Sometimes. I'm sorry, by like, I'm probably not gonna be talking to her. Like this. This is probably a
Richard Dodds 41:48
friend of the friend of the show a while ago, friend of the show, Dr. Satya shout out to Dr. Satya. She had did a post and she said if you text someone, I love you.
And you get emojis.
Richard Dodds 42:02
Emojis back and said I love you. She's like, they don't love you the way they were. You want them to love you too. And so
and that's the thing. So look, I've got like this thing about like, when you talking about traits, and you're talking about red flags, and things like that, there are so many red flags in the word love. There's so many red flags. There's red flags, literally everywhere you can find red flags. Okay, if you want to set up a situation to look for a red flag, I can t is gonna be a bad idea because you're probably gonna find I had a situation where you know just dealing with like saying you love when when I say I love someone on the phone. I have a gauge. I have a gauge now me. I don't care who it is. If I love you, everybody will know I love you. Because this love is serious. Because you're a seeker. It's not a secret. Like if you tell me like, I love you. Wow, I'll say your full name. I love you. Like I don't I don't care. It's love. Like it's the love that I've been given. It's the love that I choose to give. Yeah. However, in certain situations, when like, this was one of the red flags for me as well, when I'll be sitting on the phone. And then like, if I'm hanging out with you, she'll be like, I love you. And then I'll be like, I love you too. She was I didn't hear you. Like I love you to say it louder. Like words. For whom?
Richard Dodds 43:20
Is this? Somebody on the other side? I'm on speakerphone. I didn't hear you
say it. Or for example, it'd be like alright, then we'll you know, I'll talk to you later. All right, cool. I'll talk to you later, too. Well, I'll talk to you later. I love you. Alright, bye. Oh, no, say like,
Richard Dodds 43:34
yeah. All right. Bye. I said I love yeah,
like I actually had I actually had this situation with the, it's funny because Dr. Sadi she hit it right on the on the head. I had a situation where I did text the chick. I was like, Hey, I love you. I miss you. You know, I was thinking about you. And bla bla bla bla, bla bla, bla, bla bla and I got a heart emoji,
Richard Dodds 43:54
man. It goes back to the remember, I posted on our account, I post a way back in the day. And it was actually something that happened to me. I had someone a text that I when we were dating, and I sent her a text and I said like I really enjoyed the time we spend together. Like it's been great. And she sent me a thumbs up. Like that's it. That was a red flag right there. I should have been talking to you know more cuz like if I know my heart to you, and you give me a thumbs up emoji,
everybody, Rick, everybody has a thing, right? Everybody has a thing. And the thing is, my problem is like I deal with a lot of my issues on my own. I talk to myself, I don't care. I have a good time. We have good conversations. So I deal with a lot of the issues that I have because the thing is, hey, if I'm talking to someone and then hey, I can get through my problems on my own and fine and I have other people that I talked to as well Right, right. But in those types of situations, if I text you and I'm basically believing love you To you, and then I get a emoji back. I have to say, there's either two reasons. There's two reasons because I've already analyzed the situation. I'm like, one reason is, she doesn't necessarily want to say it back. Because for whatever reason, and then to she didn't necessarily feel the same way about you.
Richard Dodds 45:22
Yeah, I mean, and that's fine, depending on the situation and how long you guys have been dating, but it's something I definitely keep an eye on. Yeah, I think that's a red
flag. Somebody's going to talk today X is a red flag. Oh, we need to have a list of red flags. You have a red flag list. Like we didn't have a top five.
Richard Dodds 45:39
We could have red flag Friday, like you can come up with it. Let's
do it. Let's do it. Let's have a red flag fight. We do five red flag every two because
Richard Dodds 45:49
the alliteration prayer flags five red
five red flags Friday. Yeah, see, there we go. But I'm telling you like, even with that, like my first red flag would be if they talking to the if they go and see their ex and they're talking to their ex. And in most cases, if if you have an ex, and they're your ex, you should not be going over there to have a conversation with your eggs. And if you are, and hey, whatever specific reason, I hope you and your relationship, you have a trustworthy partner, and you are a trustworthy partner, then there shouldn't be any issues. But if there's the slightest thought of issues, that's the first red flag I wouldn't do a second red flag is that they can't cook. Let me start let me just stop there, that's just gonna go. It's just gonna go bad. It's gonna go bad. Third, red flag.
Richard Dodds 46:38
I mean, sad for you. And for you, that might actually be a thing for you. Like you want to be in a relationship with someone that can cook and cook for you. And as something that you feel like you need out a relationship that might be a red flag to you, for me. Like it's kind of like, I know how to cook for myself. I'm fine.
But you don't eat anything, Richard. I know. Why do you always. But I'm saying like, you knew it was coming. But the thing is, you don't eat anything but salad. I eat more than salad. What do you eat? What do you eat? That's not salad falafel.
Unknown Speaker 47:08
Alright, moving along.
Moving along here, sir.
Richard Dodds 47:14
Love, love falafel. Um, so yeah, he's a liar get along here. It's like when you when you get those situations, sometimes you just ignore him. And and some are bigger, and some flags are bigger than others. And some are different for depending on who you are as a person. And what you've experienced. It is very true what you said that a lot of times the things that are red flags for us is because we're comparing everybody that we meet based off of situations that we've had in the past. So if you have a trauma and an area that you haven't healed, anything I lose close to being like that trauma is gonna be a red flag to you. Yeah, and I've been with people like that who's had so much trauma, that even when I wasn't, I wasn't even doing anything wrong. If it looked close to something that they had been through trauma with. They would treat me like I was doing something incredibly wrong when I when I wasn't. So that's important to know,
it's important to know, and I would say it's definitely it's important after you see those red flags is to to try and heal, you know, try and heal and try and analyze, you know why that's a red flag for you. And for example, like you said, you know, hey, if you see like that, that emoji, like, like, why is that a red flag, I would say, Hey, this is a red flag for me, because I'm an expressive person. You know, the reason why this is a red flag is because they're not expressing how they feel about me like I am to them. So that means that they're not giving me the 50% that I'm giving them
Richard Dodds 48:41
not even expressing, barely acknowledging. I mean, if you put a hole if you put something like that together, especially a lot of times from and sometimes it's harder for us to display our emotions in that way. And like when you're giving someone those emotions, those deep emotions and you're trying to share it, at the very least, even if you don't want to say anything back I'm like, Oh, that's really sweet. Like thanks for sharing that. At the very least, like a thumbs up as it's almost like you might as well say eff off at that point.
Yeah, I would say so your case I mean, it this is probably the same cheeky took on that blanket wasn't No it wasn't. Was this the same chick was not the blanket should be doing a lot of bogus stuff for your date.
Richard Dodds 49:24
Wow. I mean, we've had people on the show we had canceled I didn't Kendra on both and I'm agree that that blanket day was an awesome day. Like I said, the show shout out to cancelin at the blogger and Kendra have coffee with Kendra Yeah, shout
out to them for show 100% What up to do that. Okay, now, every time we say somebody we say hello to someone. I have to do that now. Oh, sorry. What What up? We'll see.
Richard Dodds 49:50
We'll see if they listen to the show. If they
listen to hey, if you listen to it, just put some fire emojis under there and show me you heard this again. Listen, I'm gonna know it.
Richard Dodds 49:59
There we go. No, no, no, no, no. No, we should just start. Don't put on any red red emotions. Those
are red flags, and all our posts 110% Red Flags easy.
Richard Dodds 50:14
This will be the last one. Has there ever been a situation where you thought something was a red flag, but it ended up not being a red flag and something that was easily overcome?
No. And I say that I'll say that to say, Absolutely not. Because thinking in my experience, red flags aren't something to be ignored red flags or aren't you don't say red flag because, you know, there's a change in the weather. I mean, flags are set.
Richard Dodds 50:46
At the same time red flags are like we just said like they're based off of your own experiences. So right might be looking at something on the wrong lens. So I can think of just one time where I thought something was like a red flag. And it really was a miscommunication. We said, We're gonna do one thing, and then it ended up changing in a particular way. And it kind of caught me and I was like, Ooh, I don't like this. But the thing is, is that that particular person, I sat down and we had a conversation about and I was like, oh, that's what happened. You like not knowing, based off of my own thinking, I thought it was one thing, but it was something completely different. We actually expressly communicated. That's the only time I can't really think of it because usually, like a red flag is a red flag.
That's what I'm saying. Like it's a red flag. Because, I mean, for me, personally, it depends on what red What are red flags for you. Like if it's, Hey, if they can't cook, that's a red flag. For me. That's, I mean, that's, I say that jokingly, like, if she can't cook, that's a red flag, but, and for some people, like they may think like that's a red flag be based on their experience. Now, however, that context is like, if you do think is a red flag, it's your job, it's your duty to figure out if that is truly a red flag. So ask questions then right? So that you that's what a red flag is for a red flag is to catch your attention so that you can ask some questions. So you can see hey, if you can't verify if this is a red flag, like for example, for the cooking thing, ask questions. Hey, why can't you cook? Oh, well, my mama can't cook. Okay, that makes
Richard Dodds 52:14
more sense is you know, like,
I don't cook I never done it. Yeah, okay, I get it, whatever. But if they say something like the man supposed to bring home and cook and then that's that's probably gonna be a red flag for me. Gotcha, man. I bring home the bacon but you got to cook. That's that's how it works.
Richard Dodds 52:36
Well look. Thank you ladies and gentlemen for listening to be a part of the conversation. You can find us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter at recommitment please be sure to like and subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast. DJ blue. Where can I find you?
You can find me on every particular platform you may be searching social media as on I am the DJ blue, Twitter, Facebook and space net. That's this new program coming winter people can meet each other and love each other. Alright Spaceman well, you can find just kidding. That's not real.
Richard Dodds 53:18
No, I don't think anybody's well, you can find me at DODDS ism an sto dB s. Also find me on my other show. Talking about all things black. Still talking black and still talking.
Yes, it sounds like that sounds like it's all
Richard Dodds 53:43
right, we're still talking. Talking about
play. Do you wear black?
Richard Dodds 53:48
No. I start wearing all black
turtleneck and a black like Oh, come on really serious. You should actually kind of though. Well, until next time, boys and girls remember.
Richard Dodds 54:03
There's always a next relationship talks where Ricky name and as a crown culture media LLC production is produced by me. Richard Dodds and our theme music is father DJ
Transcribed by https://otter.ai