Have you ever been in a situationship?

Have you ever been in a situation where you spent time with someone, did relationship-type things, but never had a title?  Chances are you were in a situationship. All the ins and outs of a relationship, none of the commitment. In this episode, we discuss what a situationship is and reflect on times we have been in situationships. As always to be a part of the conversation you can find us on Facebook and Instagram @RickAndNamon.

Credits:
Host and Producer: Richard "Rick" Dodds @Doddsism
Co-Host and Show Music: @IAmTheDjBlue
Website: StillTalkingBlack.com

Transcript

Richard Dodds  0:00  
This is relationship talks with Rick and naman, I'm Rick.

Namon  0:04  
And I'm the mastermind. The DJ blue.

Richard Dodds  0:08  
He's naming the D. J. The other day I was scrolling on Instagram and I came across a post by workout. And they had they had their definition of what a situation ship is and then it kind of cracked me up. I never really thought of it so much. And this turns out, I've never heard it called this. But since you

Namon  0:30  
start off, let's start off with the idea that anytime you put gasm on a word, it sounds so dirty. It doesn't even matter, man. It didn't matter what you put on it. You put gasm on it. There's this. There's this artist, it's automatic.

Richard Dodds  0:45  
Right. He said What does automatic filthy out there you said

Namon  0:49  
100%. And there's this artist that's that's around Detroit area. And it's either like around Detroit, but any it's all throughout the metro area because I've seen his his thing is GA S M That's his that's his tag, like he'll do the GA S M which is gasm. Right? Essentially, he will do the GA says every time I see it. It looks dirty to me. It's just it's kind of gross.

Richard Dodds  1:15  
I can't I can't really argue with you about that. Like just like yes, I'm like,

Namon  1:19  
pervert. I mean, orgasms are awesome. But I don't want to see him on the walls of establishments where I buy my produce. Well, moving right along

Richard Dodds  1:26  
from that. I don't think I'll make a smooth way to move away from that. I think he just kind of gotta go.

Namon  1:35  
That escalated really,

Richard Dodds  1:36  
really fast. You notice escalated? But anyway, so with that play, I'm not gonna say the name again. But what what they what they posted was situation ship, it says, Let's just chill, have sex and be confused on the fact that we're not together but have official emotions for each other.

Namon  1:52  
That's terrible. And she's here.

Richard Dodds  1:57  
I mean, really? That's what that's what a situation ship isn't. And a lot of and a lot of situations. And it made me think like, man, like, I don't even really have to think that hard. Like I know, I've been in situations so I can think of two that I've been in. And another I can

Namon  2:12  
think of three that you've been in. So yeah, we're the same. More five,

Richard Dodds  2:18  
if you will. Okay, yeah, no, right. Okay, take

Namon  2:21  
my notes. Let me check my file, Mark Richards, women, oh, my goodness, it's a little files, you know, just in case something happened. And you know, I got a backtrack. You know, hey, you know what happened here, I wasn't there he was with me,

Richard Dodds  2:36  
I don't know, that doesn't matter. Whatever is another definition that I heard of it is, one person wants a relationship while the other person doesn't. Mm hmm. And so like I said, I can think of two situations where I was in situation ships. And the two times that stand out, like it was time to, to the two times that I was in the situation ships, were times that I really wanted a relationship, but the other person didn't want a relationship. And the thing about it is, is that that's something that you talked about at the very beginning of whatever you want to call it, if it's a situation ship relationship, you kind of I really like to establish goals. So, you know, when you when you get with someone, and you say like, Hey, I'm looking for a relationship, and they say, I'm not there, you kind of in this middle situation, situation, ship. If, if you please, if you will, that they're one of you is going to get what they want. Or not,

Namon  3:36  
I would say honestly, like, you know, just like you say, you and your four or five situations that you've been in, where they've obviously not been interested, and then you would call and take them out to eat dinner. I mean, sometimes to, you know, movies on blankets,

Richard Dodds  3:55  
oh, wow, we're just, I feel like resurrecting a blanket,

Namon  3:58  
I feel what I mean, I feel like I've been watching this one show. And in this show, it's about, you know, a, for example, someone who lives in another country, and then they they either invite someone over from that other country, or they go to live with that person for about 90 days. And then they essentially for about 90 days to get married, right? I'm saying but that's they do. But in those situations, I would say situation ships are more common than not, because I've been watching a lot, obviously. But in those places in those realms of relationship, there's so much confusion because of two things. Communication. That's the first thing. And then the language barrier. So it's like it's like to two things that are super against like the whole concept. You have one thing that needs the language barrier communication, and then you have the language barrier, so you can't communicate. So it's like communication and communication. Exactly as like you need to, you need to learn how to communicate to communicate what you're saying. And you if you can't do that you're literally stuck. Marrying this person from Timbuktu. Somebody you didn't even know all they needed was a visa.

Richard Dodds  5:12  
That's a hassle. That seems a bit that seems to be a really reoccurring theme in that show.

Namon  5:20  
Yeah, exactly. So it's like, I honestly, they just should stop calling it you should just start calling it hmm. Situation ship in 90 days. You know, you're gonna stay with this person or not like what's happening here? Because they want a visa. Are you gonna, you're gonna get this this this person a visa? So I don't know, situation ships are scary to me, because I love communication. And anytime I'm sitting there trying to wonder, you know, like, what, what's happening here? That's, that's terrifying.

Richard Dodds  5:52  
Oh, I can think of the first situation ship I can think about. When we first started dating, we made it very clear that I was I was looking for a relationship. And she's like, I'm not I don't want to be in a relationship. But then we went on to continue multiple days, you know, hanging out all the time talking every day. And then when you do all of these things, so like, we would do all of these things, and they will look like we were together. And then eventually she would come at me like, hey, it looks like this feels too much like a relationship. I need to take a step back. And then we take a step back for like, a couple weeks, and then we'll be right back into the cycle.

Namon  6:32  
Yeah, and you know what it's like, But see, that's the thing. I think females and males alike man, no matter what gender you consider yourself, as, you know, let's just take gender out of it. Right. Let's just say no matter what type of human you are, okay, communicate. Okay, because the thing is, for example, Hey, you're out there lovey dovey Ianis ah, habitual. Wow, situation wasters

Richard Dodds  7:02  
situation. Yeah, that's exactly where you're going with that at first. I see.

Namon  7:08  
Habitual, habitual? What does the saying?

Richard Dodds  7:15  
The word communicate. Yes.

Namon  7:19  
You know, it's like communication is key. Because in those situations, they could have just relayed that information to you. Like, look, I love hanging out with you. And I'm comfortable. They could have said this, like, I'm comfortable with doing boy, friend girlfriend relationship, intimate things without a hole. Right? Exactly. But that would be the time. That would be the time where that habitual time waster needs to say, but that's like, not one of the only times that I think a but LOL, there's plenty of time. Robots are important in those relationships. But I think that's a good point in communication, where the buck would be like, but I don't want a relationship. And that's like, literally, like you said, you know, at the beginning of the relationship, like Yeah,

Richard Dodds  8:04  
I mean, it'd be fair, like the situation I'm thinking about both situation shifts I'm thinking about both of them said that. But I think the thing that's, you know, you know, the old saying is like actions speak louder than words.

Namon  8:17  
Actions speak louder than speak louder than speak louder than Richard apparently. Because no one. No. They did not know that you're looking for a girlfriend, apparently.

Richard Dodds  8:29  
No, I mean, so I mean, they know. And the thing is, is that you can establish it. And you can understand that, all right, she doesn't want to be in a relationship. But then when you continue to do relationship type stuff, and it's like, you're a couple. That's like, that's like saying the opposite of what you just say, right? So you start to think like, Archie says, you want to be in a relationship, but we just do a boyfriend and girlfriend stuff like every day, like I see your two, three times a week. That's a form of abuse. All of a sudden, it's I remember I said, I want to be in a relationship. It's like, No, we're already actually in a relationship. That's a title.

Namon  9:06  
And that's like I said, that's, that's all them in my mind. I don't know how other people feel about this. But in my opinion, that is like the basic form of abuse. Because if you if you think about it, the metaphor of dragging someone along, that's legitimately what you're doing. You're dragging them along, you're pulling them with you, you're not giving them the understanding. And the thing is, yeah, granted, hey, you know, it's like maybe she gave or they all of these women that you know, that did this to you, maybe they signs maybe they gave you signs, however, I think communication was lost, because even though they threw those signs out, they never confirmed if you got what they were throwing.

Richard Dodds  9:49  
I don't know. But my thought is always that I was pursuing a relationship even if they said that they weren't if we continue to do relationship type stuff that was kind of like maybe their minds Mr.

Namon  10:03  
Maybe this is this is that, that that pill, the pill to swallow? You know, I have the same that I've been saying lately because for me, I've had to swallow several large pills, and I do not have COVID I am healthy as far as I know. But in that situation that could be maybe, hey, you were you know, and it happens, maybe you were just, it's so deeply I guess in I wouldn't even say in love, maybe you were you were on the cusp of actually really falling in love with this person. And that is essentially in my opinion, you know, knowing like all of the situations you've been into.

Richard Dodds  10:41  
Like, it's a ton of them. I said to

Namon  10:43  
knowing the list, like I got this long list. No one can seem like a piece of paper with nothing. It's a it's a big pizza empty paper. But no, I mean, it's just communication in those formats. And and it's a possibility that you were blinded by, you know, the things that you guys were doing because you you are the type of person just like all other people who like to go on dates who like to spend time intimately with their loved ones or their their girlfriend, boyfriend or partner, whatever you like to do those things. And when you're connected to someone on that level, you know, you don't want to get yourself hurt at the same time. Not thinking about being hurt. Because you thinking about the love and everything that you have. Believe it

Richard Dodds  11:30  
that companionship and exactly, you know, I believe people's words, but I believe people's actions too. And it's just really confusing. And so another way that I used to describe a situation ship is like situation ship is like a movie set. From a distance, it looks like something real. But once you get close to it or touch it is no substance there.

Namon  11:51  
Yes. Yes. That's a good, that's actually a really good, um, a good way to see that. Because I mean, I can imagine walking on this set, right, right. I see everything the way it is, and it's about four or five women and then you're on other side of the room, you have this confused look on your face. All right,

Unknown Speaker  12:08  
what are we going with this?

Namon  12:10  
I don't even know. But I'm making up the story as we go. It's gonna be involved with you. Not understanding that they don't want to be with you. But hey, you're gonna take them out to eat, you're gonna take them everywhere. You can promise them things. You're gonna give them all that love and energy. And at the end of the day, you know what they're gonna give you? Nothing? Absolutely nothing.

Richard Dodds  12:28  
Yeah, see, let me finish. That was what I was. I knew I knew that's where you're going with it.

Namon  12:32  
That's a scary movie. Richard,

Richard Dodds  12:33  
have you? Have you ever been in a situation ship?

Namon  12:36  
Um, yeah, I was younger. I was younger me I was in relationships that, you know, didn't even exist. But you know, it is what it is, you know, I'm resilient. You know, I was married a couple times. That doesn't exist. But um, you know, I'm gonna No, no, no, I will say I've been in I've been in a situation ships, honestly, I was in my longest relationship was a situation,

Richard Dodds  13:02  
like a situation. I know, looking back on a relationship, but she did

Namon  13:07  
or looking back at it as I shouldn't have been in any of the relationships I was in. I'm gonna be real with so that's a fair point knowing I'm gonna be like, 1000 person with you. Like I'm I should not have been in any of those relationships that I was in, I should not have been looking because the thing is, I was only trying to find what I thought I knew. If that makes any sense. Like, I was trying to look for those things. So I wasn't actually looking for what I didn't know, which was peace, healthy relationships, communication. That honestly, it's like, without communication, that relationship is basically just poop on a stick,

Richard Dodds  13:50  
man. It's nothing without, like, it's no relationship without communication, whether it's a friendship or a partnership.

Namon  13:56  
100% So it's like, I for me, in those situations, I would say if I were to give myself any type of advice, I would say, you know, in order for myself not to get caught up in that rut of communication, be completely honest.

Richard Dodds  14:11  
Being completely on and the beginning. I can save you so much time. And and

Namon  14:17  
if you're completely honest, that's cool. Be completely honest with yourself. Yeah. So yeah, be honest with yourself. Because the thing is, you can lie to that person that's standing in front of you, right? And that's just gonna be that particular lie. You may you may have this relationship, but they're not going to necessarily know it's a lie, until it's been proven that it's a lie. However, if you lie to yourself in these relationships, and you keep up that status quo of you know, just covering up dirt with more dirt and you know, just hoping to hide it hope and hide it, get it out. It's just so toxic, and then you end up stressing, and then you die. That's pretty much how that works. Oh, No, that escalated see it got really dark.

Richard Dodds  15:03  
Like he goes zero to 100. Like just like I know, in a blink of an eye.

Namon  15:07  
It but that's Syria. That's how I feel about it. I think that communication is so important that because people go through so many things that people dealing with, you know, mental health issues and things like that. And some of that could be because of hey, whatever, whatever they're dealing with chemically, or what have you, but some of it is also being able to communicate with someone that can communicate back with you, period.

Richard Dodds  15:31  
Yeah, that's awesome. That's so important. So thinking about a relationship, even if at the beginning, you state, you are whoever the other person at the beginning, you both state your intentions. But you But you both end up entertaining relations, relationship type situations.

Namon  15:51  
Whoa, he says,

Richard Dodds  15:53  
we're learning release. But you But you both, you know, have relationship activities, right? For sure. Who where does the fault like in your opinion? Like who gets that far? Because you both if you communicate in the beginning, like who was that thought for getting into the situation ship?

Namon  16:09  
You are from your own perspective, if we're talking about any type of fault, and you're asking yourself who was at fault, you are at fault? You're like, No, I'm not. I'm not saying like you, not me. You know you, you are at fault. But to the listeners, you are essentially you would be at fault.

Richard Dodds  16:28  
So who was at fault, the person who says that they didn't want to be in a relationship but still entertained it? Or the person who said they did and still entertained it? Who's fought, who you think cares? More fought?

Namon  16:41  
Honestly, that's a hard one because a fault in that case. For example, let's just use cars or as an example, right? Okay, that car, that car has a fat booty, right? You like this guy? You want to drive this car? You want to get into this car? You want to push the end? Do you want to make it go broom? Room? Correct? Okay. I like cars. So forgive me if I'm just passionate about cars. All right. So if you're getting in this car, you saying, all right, yeah, I'm gonna get in this car, I'm gonna ride this car, you get in the car with the intention of saying, Look, I want to drive this car all the way to New Mexico. No car only tells you hey, you can only drive two miles from here. Okay with that? But I'm saying but if you're okay with that, you know, we're good. And you're like, No, not really. But you know, I'm gonna drive a mile and see where we go, right? And then you get that mile. You're like, okay, it was still still Bs, and then you wanting to drive further. They're like, Nah, I can only go for one more mile. I'm just being honest with you write and then that's really, really it. You know, we can't do any long distance traveling. So you go that extra mile. And the car, the car is gonna go along with it. Mm hmm. So in that case, it's both your fault.

Unknown Speaker  17:57  
It was like a real?

Richard Dodds  17:59  
Like, it's both it was

Namon  18:00  
110%. But I believe it, I believe is both people's fault and in the relationship simply because the first person Yeah, you made, you're so clear. If you were completely honest with this person, you say, Look, I don't want this. But I do want this. And I know this is what I'm working towards. And then they tell you, this is not what I'm working towards. Right? You have this in your court, the end, you go for it within you like alright, cool, I'm gonna go forward and see if I can change them, then you're at fault. But if you both go forward, and then you start doing the things that they said that they were not necessarily interested in, in that relationship, such as being intimate, I'm going going out on dates that would otherwise symbolize a relationship or hanging out at a house and falling asleep on someone's couch. In my opinion. If you come over to my house, and you fall asleep on my couch, um, we're together, we're probably going to be together. That's basically how that is. And I'm not saying that in a year, we're gonna be giving up Jim Burns tonight, I'm saying that in more of a more of a, I'm communicating to you. Like if, if you don't feel that way about me, and you don't want to be this close to me, why are you still here in my space? Like we can just hang out regularly and just be friends? Right? You know, cordial. You know, hey, how you doing? We can we can even hang out and go to the movies and be platonic, that's fine. But once it starts getting personal, once it starts getting Lovey Dovey, and you start thinking about what to get them for their birthday, and it has to be sentimental. And once those things start getting involved, and then there's no commitment involved. You basically just just done like you. It's like we're done. Like, you don't go like where do you go?

Richard Dodds  19:47  
I think that's, I think that's a great point that you really made when you talked about sitting on someone's couch and spending intimate time inside of someone's house, or apartment or just their space in general. Just whatever it is. Yeah, you know, thinking about it, like in today's society, you know, sexual sexual pleasure is sometimes less intimate actually sitting on the couch with somebody. But it's awesome, though. Is this awesome? Yes. But you know what I mean, it's less intimate. Like you Netflix and the children is a thing. But like when you just sit there because you enjoy somebody's company, you guys are laid up next to each other and close. And you said like, they fall asleep on your chest maybe or whatever.

Namon  20:27  
That was very specific. Wait a minute. That was oddly specific nouns being pretty vague. I mean, I didn't fall asleep you like that?

Richard Dodds  20:38  
I'm just painting pictures on my words. That's what I'm trying to do.

Namon  20:41  
Is that the type of stuff you're into, though, like you want somebody to fall asleep on your chest?

Richard Dodds  20:45  
I mean, you know, sometimes it'd be nice.

Namon  20:49  
I don't know. I think occasionally, maybe every once in a while, yeah, but I get warm, really. It's like, you know, you don't cool about it.

Richard Dodds  20:58  
But the thing that I mean is that there are things that me way more than just sexual relations. Oh, 100% if you're doing these things inside of something that's quote, unquote, not a relationship, and you expect that person to who wants a relationship to be 100% cool with that, then you need to kind of readjust. You know, like, when I when I look back at when I look back at the situation ships that I have been involved in, the only ones that really stood on my mind, were the ones where I was the one who wanted the relationship and the other person didn't. But when you think back, when I think back about it, I'm pretty sure was more situation ships, and I'm not aware of just because the other way around also exists. It's times where I've hung out, I've hung out with women and we've went out on dates, like, if we're not, if we're not like dating or moving towards dating and then I'm not like really gonna kiss you or anything like that,

Namon  21:51  
are you and and now you come over if you go and play cards, you don't play cards, right? gonna hang out watch TV, you gonna watch TV, though some banter and ego dip,

Richard Dodds  22:00  
I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna spend the night it's not gonna be it'd be hugs, maybe a little bit of stuff like that. But no, no kisses or anything. We're not causing any lines. And thinking about it even more. So now, if I ever been in a situation again, there was somebody who wanted to date me that I didn't want to date I probably even give them more distance. And you because because I mean, you say so much with with your your nonverbal, your nonverbal says way more than verbal does so. And like just like you said, I totally agree with you. That is both people's thoughts. But I think in a lot of times in those situations, what is happening is the person who doesn't want a relationship, but entertains relationship activities with the other person, they ended up, they end up getting painted the villain. It's like they're the villain, but no, especially if they're upfront. If you're upfront with what you want, then you really can't blame someone else for being consistent and actually sticking to the thing that they said.

Namon  22:58  
No, I agree. And that's 100% the case however, I think that it could be one person's fault based on two situations. Like for example, if you are the pursuer and you're pursuing a relationship, and then they tell you blatantly like look, I'm not and this is how I how I was, like, when I was actively like looking for someone, I'll basically say, like, look, I'm really not looking for anything. And that's this is what I found out like, Hey, I probably shouldn't be in a relationship right now. I've got some, some toxic stuff to burn off on me right quick, you know? And then I was like, You know what, I'm not looking for anything other than friendship. And I was like, you know, to be quite honest. I don't mind like talking. I don't mind hanging out. platonically like, I don't I don't need to have sex with you in order for me to like, like, love you or, you know, feel that I don't I don't need that. Hey, it's definitely icing on the cake. But that's not necessary. That's not something that I'm desiring initially. Like, of course, the sexual desires, that's gonna be something that's there, and if I don't desire you sexually, then I mean, we can just be friends. That's fine. Fine, but, um, but, uh, but anything else? Like if that's the case, like I'm not I'm not chilling with you do not lay on me Do not touch me. During the week cool.

Richard Dodds  24:17  
Give me my space, right?

Namon  24:18  
Give me my friendly space. Like, hang out with my homies like, we there's distance, there's like a lot of distance, you know, we, we just enough, just enough distance to depth fist that's about it. That's, that's literally all the space you need to like over six feet. You know, maybe I want to jab somebody in the arm, you know, are we playing a video game? That's the type of distance I need, you know what I'm saying? If we're, if we're, you know, not gonna if we're not working towards the same goals here. Yeah.

Richard Dodds  24:45  
I think about those times to where I was dating, and I was saying, like, I'm not really looking for anything. But you know, sometimes you just like to have companionship, you like to go on a date. Right? But you're not really looking for anything and sometimes they definitely are. Yeah, And those times were exactly like you said, were times where I realized that I probably shouldn't be dating. Like, I really shouldn't be dating, if I'm not looking for anything, and I'm dating people who are looking for stuff. Because it's not fair to give them false expectations of, even if I'm upfront, they're gonna see me because I mean, if I take someone out, even if it's like a platonic date, I'm gonna make sure it's a nice day. You know what I mean? Like, and I think that sets up a false expectation for them. Maybe he's coming around. And you know, a lot of times, people, us as people, we always try to get people to change their mind. Like, oh, they said, they didn't want to date but I'm about to change a mind, look at what they're doing for me. And then you kind of get lost in the sauce when they come back. And they're like, Yeah, well, I still don't want to date even though we've done all this stuff. I'm still not looking for a relationship.

Namon  25:48  
I think I think like you said, hey, you know, sometimes backing off is always a good thing right there, backing off kind of just reassessing your situation. And figuring out, you know, what you want, that's always a good thing. I do stress, like, in those cases, if you are that type of person, just be okay with what you're okay with meaning, if you're okay with the relationship that you're in with them, meaning you're okay, with no commitment, you're okay with doing the intimate things, and you're okay with not being in and they're okay with that, too, then perfect. And you find yourself the perfect relationship, right. But I think it's just, it's, it's it, the lines will blur. The lines will blur because it's different. It's difficult to spend a lot of time with one particular person, you know, doing those types of things. And I think, like, in your case, watching, watching what you went through in some of your situations, it for me, I know who you are, I know the type of dude you are. I know, I know, your your, your your history. Yeah, you know what I mean? So I can statistically say, Well, you know, based on this, this is logical. So when I saw those situations, I know how you are, you're very upfront. Open, you're, you're extremely open minded, you like to have fun, you like to do those things, but you don't like to waste your time. No, you know what I mean? And I think that, that in some of the situations, that's what happens. So you have, I think it's, it's more or less, they don't have anything better to do there. They want to do that with you. However, they don't want to tell you that they don't want what you want, because you will leave them and therefore take away the goods that you're you're not I mean, this

Richard Dodds  27:40  
is a treadmill relationship, you do a lot of running, but you don't go anywhere, you don't

Namon  27:45  
go anywhere. So you're constantly working hard to keep up what you're doing. And basically not even knowing that the double and the extra that you're doing is basically bare minimum work because they don't care about all that stuff. All they care about is the companionship, all they care about is that you're there with the you know, you know, how tidy when they need, you know what I mean? That's all they care about, which is fine, if that's what you're communicating? Yeah, and

Richard Dodds  28:11  
I will say the one time I felt like it is a person's fault who doesn't want a relationship is if they don't state that upfront. Yeah, if they don't state that upfront, and I feel like that's one down because if you don't state it up front and you're pretending like you're moving towards a relationship but you're not that that's not that's not kosher.

Namon  28:31  
It's not because you go you go only hurt yourself in the end because they don't want you know what I felt I

Richard Dodds  28:38  
mean, sometimes you bring to the table sometimes you just look at it. Sometimes people are just looking for companionship or company or entertainment or whatever it is. almost feel like situation ships. I like the new friends with benefits. Yeah, a lot of situational Hey, situation since I like the new it's like friends with benefits with new name. Audit intimacy. I mean, the the post got it right. I was trying not to say the word to get us to get us off course. But the phone's got it right. Like you Oh, we can do everything. Basically, we're gonna do everything like we're in a relationship, but we're not in a relationship.

Namon  29:14  
Right? Like we're not you. We don't go out. We don't we don't call we don't text. We don't say something in the morning. We're gonna say something and I am personally I hate expectations. Yeah, that sounds silly. That sounds silly. But I hate expectations. Because the thing is, I don't know your expectations. Communication comes in, right, exactly. But in those situations, like for example, let's use your situations. As exam we

Richard Dodds  29:40  
keep going back to my situations.

Namon  29:42  
You have so many different statistical reasons for going to you, but I'm just saying like, like you, you have to, you know, kind of just just be be very concise. You know, and you were concise. Like I remember I remember having these conversations with you The thing that you were saying and the stuff that you were getting back was just like, it was like holding you there. It was basically, like giving you enough hope so that you would have no hope.

Richard Dodds  30:09  
Yeah, exactly. What that's like, I know exactly what you mean. It's like just enough, like going somewhere else.

Namon  30:18  
Right? Like, give you just enough so that you have nothing, but just enough, just a little bit of hope. Just a little bit. takes my love.

Richard Dodds  30:28  
I might want a relationship one day, but

Namon  30:31  
yeah, but when it comes to love when it comes to those things, I think if you are being pursued by someone who has that that same trade as Richard does, um, I would say you, you take care of their hearts, because at the end of the day, they're not loving you because of something you have they they're loving you because you you, they're loving you because they don't want you to change. You know, they don't want to take anything away from you. And the thing is, if you keep them and you don't want them, you're only hurting them and the thing is, you're doing the worst thing that you can do to anybody and that's specifically breaking their heart.

Richard Dodds  31:08  
So yeah, that is the worst possible thing that you could do. It's almost better than literally just stop it up front. I

Namon  31:14  
just just piss them off. I would say that's the best way better piss them off them rather than break their heart. Those are two different things. Because you get pissed off that's fine you're gonna be mad about it. You're gonna you're gonna hate you might moat for like a couple of days moat.

Richard Dodds  31:28  
Is that a word? MOBAs. mope here, moat. I said Mote like we're like, Salah rodar. Yeah, like rock around a castle moat around the castle.

Namon  31:38  
Maybe that could be used at that particular terminology as well. But if you get to do that, you're gonna mope, I don't even know where my thought went.

Richard Dodds  31:50  
No, I mean, I mean, he made such a good point. Yeah, does does the worst thing you can do if you don't want a relationship with somebody, and they do and they're pursuing you, the best thing to do is to stiff arm it right there. Even though you might enjoy that stuff. If you really care about that person, do not go into a fake relationship with them, and give them any hope that you might be changing your mind because that is one of the worst things that you could possibly do to that person.

Namon  32:16  
I would say also, you know, based on things that I've heard from other people who've been in situations like that, the one of the words that I hear, you know, one of the bad words is the known

Richard Dodds  32:27  
evil. Hmm, they talked about that before the known evil. Yeah, the known evil. It's like, I know what I have here. I don't know. Like,

Namon  32:37  
if I'm getting beat up, and getting beat up and getting beat up, and then I get free from that beat up. And then I go back into a situation because I'm familiar with it. Like, that's crazy. That's crazy to know, evil. If you know, it's toxic for you, because you recognize the toxic symbols. I'm the dummy. It's a toxic situation. They're communicating to you right there. Hey, they're never gonna change. It's always gonna be them dragging you along. Because either A, they don't want commitment. B They cannot commit. Or see, they do not want a relationship at all. Maybe they don't know. Maybe they don't want a relationship with you. Yeah, exactly. Maybe that maybe I was gonna say intimately. They don't want to be with you. The friendship, they barely want to be with you. It's just basically like, Hey, we're in the same place at the same time. For some reason.

Richard Dodds  33:35  
I think it's some people were a lot of a lot of characteristics and aspects of their of the relationship that clicks. But it's that one thing that doesn't click and that's what keeps it from the situation ship from time to relationship. You know what I mean? Like it could be y'all, y'all intellectually are similar intimately, y'all are good, like, friendship wise, y'all have the best conversations and all of that, but you might just not have that spark for that person. And that could keep it from moving to the next level. I can think of any time that I've been in a situation ship and it didn't work out and I was the pursuer. After I after I got my clout, man, you know, after my mind got cleared from everything that was going on, I look back at strip clubs, you mean? No strip clubs, after the strip clubs and a bottle of vodka. After my mind, it would be tequila, you know this. Anyway, so after my Get clear, after my mind has gotten clear from those situations, I look back at those situations and what the people were saying the women that are pursuing was right, like we weren't necessarily the best fit. And we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of places. But once you get that compatibility and you start to get that intimacy that you build from even just like a friendship, you start to get that attachment and you start to stop looking at the things where you don't connect. Yeah, I can think about somebody that have pursued and I was in a situation with her since a situation ship with her. And at the we stopped doing our back and forth. She ended up dating someone. And then they got married. And just seeing her interactions with him versus her interactions with me. I never, I never would have been that person for her. I just wasn't it. I wasn't what she needed. And she knew that I wasn't what she needed, even though we got along on all these different levels. She was writing saying that no, like, we don't need to be pursuing a relationship together. It's not you. Because if somebody is telling you no, you don't ever want to be in a relationship with somebody that you got to force you to love you. Like, I don't want to force somebody to love me.

Namon  35:41  
Yeah, that's crazy. That's like, that's, that's, that's my definition of insanity. Well, I mean, the definition of insanity is, you know, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I mean, that's the same concept. You know, if they tell you hey, like, I'm not, I'm not digging this, I don't want to go down this road. And then you still go down that road? Like, like, what what are you doing? Like, do you love yourself like that? That was? That's always my question there. Like, that's always my question. Like, do you love yourself and then, and then like, a person like you, I have to think about like, like, I know, you love yourself, I know, you you care. But I'm just saying, like, I know, you care about your well being I know that, you know, you have really high goals for yourself, where you love you love. So passionate you love deeply. And I think when people see that they see the gold, they see the gold in that because that's, that's something that's valuable. You know what I mean? So, I think honestly, in, in your situations, or in other people's situation, as well, there, it could be that you give something you give a light that's so bright, that even in their midst of complete honesty, they can't break away from it. So it's like, it's kind of like what is the word, it's a, it's a double edged sword, if you will, if you don't stop it, they're not gonna stop it, because you're giving off the light. But you think in your mind, they have not stopped it because they're moving forward. But in reality, they just, they just ain't done. It

Richard Dodds  37:14  
is the biggest trick ever. And, and, you know, I'm a logical person. And I try to look at things logically. And obviously, I've experienced a lot of stuff, where relationships, I've analyzed a lot of stuff with relationships, and I've seen a lot of stuff with relationships. So thinking about when those times I was in it, it seems like it would, would have been simple to recognize, alright, this is not gonna go anywhere, I'm wasting my time, I need to move on. But in those moments, it was just like a fog, the more time I spent with that person, the more time I wanted to spend with that person, and what did I want to get give of myself to that person? And then the more they, you know, gave back the more that they gave back,

Namon  37:55  
do it fed you?

Richard Dodds  37:57  
Yeah, it fed me and reaffirm, like, Ooh, maybe we did it somewhere, like, this is what I want. Maybe this is what she wants. Now, maybe she's changing our mind. And at the end of the day, those times I was in a situation, those woman didn't change their minds. And it just took it took a moment for me to wake up. And you know

Namon  38:17  
what that's like, you know, what I just thought about is like the concept of eating a mouse right before they feed it to a snake. Oh. I'm saying like you, you given this mouse, this nourishment, this nourishment? It's like, okay, well, you know, I see the little snake over there another cage, you know, but you know, they just fed me, you know, so you move on, you live that other day, the next day they come in and not they not reaching into feed you though to kill it. And the thing is, I think honestly, I know it sounds like a crazy scenario. But if we consider hearts that that mouse, that's basically all it is. That mouse is a heart. So essentially, they're feeding your heart they're feeding you they're giving you everything that that that they know you need based on their experience with you and then all to basically just end it all and feed you to cobra.

Richard Dodds  39:13  
Has that guy blinking? Yeah, man, that is morbid, man. Like what's going on with you, man? He

Namon  39:22  
knows these these producer notes that you have here. I don't know where you came up with these things. But, man, but don't judge her situation. She's they brought it out of me.

Unknown Speaker  39:32  
I don't blame it on me.

Namon  39:35  
But I feel like that's literally like that's how it is though. Because that's what they do. They feed your heart. And the thing is, you're being fed because in any relationship, um, and I always say this because I've experienced it. I say hey, if I'm if I'm feeding you and I'm constantly feeding you, and you give me back, I'm on 100%. And when I say 100% I'm gonna give you exactly what you give me. So if you give me love and you give me all of this, I'm gonna give that exactly back To you, because I've been in relationships or been in positions where I'm not giving too much more than you're giving me because I look stupid. And not that I look stupid. I don't look stupid. Anybody else I give a care about what they think about me. I care about me, I value myself. And if I didn't value myself, then I'm like, Alright, cool. I'm gonna take you out to eat. Go into the Sizzler. We go into the Sizzler. Everything's on me. Let's get this party started. But we just friends, though. So that's it. You know, I'm okay with that. Even though we're gonna, we're gonna hug him. And I'm gonna pay for the bill like a crazy person.

Richard Dodds  40:36  
I will say that. Any situation, ship any relationship, any situation, you know, outside of relationships, whether it's friendships, whether it's work, what no matter what it is, always think of it as as a lesson. Yeah, it's not a loss. It's a lesson. And I think we talked about it before. I always hate to hear people say like, I wasted X amount of years of my life.

Namon  41:02  
Yeah, because oh, oh, hold on, I'm gonna cut you off my ex. My ex used to say that all the time. Me personally, I'm like, you broke up with me like 1000 times? Why didn't you just let it stick? And then I have to correct myself. Like, why didn't I let it stick?

Richard Dodds  41:21  
Why didn't you let us know that's, there's that tough pill to swallow. And I mean, that's a that's a fact. Because it's so much you can learn from relationship, I can understand wasting time and a sense that you were running on it, you felt you might have felt like you're running on a treadmill, you ran for a long time, but you never got anywhere. But if the only way that you can judge whether or not you learned something, is if the goal that you have set forth, comes to fruition. So if you're looking to get married, and you date somebody for two or three years, and you don't get married, to say all the time, you had to say all that time was a waste, you know, I feel like you're kind of missing all the stuff that happened between it because any relationship hopefully, there's gonna be some good times and some bad times. And it should be a lot of lessons, you know, because every relationship that I came out of, to get to where I'm at now and a healthy, happy relationship, I learned from every relationship that wasn't healthy and happy in every situation ship and had enough of them ever, ever. But everything that I went through taught me a different lesson of what I'm willing to take from myself what I need in a partner what I want accept in a partner, what I don't accept from myself, what I can give how I can give how to communicate better. You know how to be more selfless in certain situations, how to be more selfish, in certain situations, how to say what I want, every situation I've been through, whether it's a situation, ship, a relationship, good or bad, has taught me how to be a better person and how to be a better version of me. And at the end of the day is all about progression. And I'm all about progression.

Namon  43:00  
100% I'm with you on that. I think that the progression comes from the growth and the experience from those crappy situations you've been in. But it's the truth though, they're the progression you you would not have the progression that you have now, if you had not been in those situations where you've loved extremely hard and not getting anything back because honestly, if you've never experienced that type of pain, you don't know what it feels like. So you don't even know if you're doing it. You know, you could be loving somebody they could be giving you the bare minimum like I said, and just keeping you strung along and then one day they're gonna feed you to that Cobra.

Richard Dodds  43:38  
Yeah, what'd you say? Like they could You could be in love with them because they feeding you McDonald's? Yeah, exactly. When you don't know that you were you were steak. But you get in McDonald's you get in chicken mcnuggets you are steak.

Namon  43:50  
Man is one day I went on a long time ago, right? I went on this date. Took this chick to Applebee's bro. I don't I don't even eat at Applebee's. Unless I'm like, unless I'm like, Look, there's literally nothing else open right now. And I'm gonna wait I took it to Applebee's. She was like, Oh my goodness. This is nice. And like the food was terrible. The chicken was jacked up and I don't eat raw food and she's like, Let's order some more just just get another like I don't want this crap. You know, but for her it was just like, it was like this was awesome thing. They're like, like no I'm not I know this is this is just basically me introducing myself to you in this crappy restaurant which is really like leather Michael Jackson jacket, but it was black. It was weird, man. Oh, yeah. That's that's another situation for another day. But that was weird. She tried to eat the chicken. She actually was like, pink. Pink inside. But that's Applebee's for you, man. That's why I don't go to Applebee's. You know what, let's talk about Abby. No, that's

Richard Dodds  44:47  
probably not like, I really don't want to get sued by Applebee's. We probably said I'm just gonna bleep bleep.

Unknown Speaker  44:54  
Just you know really? No, I'm talking about

Richard Dodds  45:02  
But no, it's so much. And I really the thing I hear parents say, sometimes that, you know, like the tattoos know, the, the marriage they only like the marriage might not be might not have been the greatest and this is divorced people, some of them say the marriage is not the greatest play, you know, I would not give my daughter or my son back for it or anything in the world. And sometimes you can get great things out of horrible, horrible relationships. So Well, I

Namon  45:28  
think honestly creating creating anything, whether it's a child or music or a painting, or in your case problems for other women, I'm just kidding. Just kidding. You. Everybody knows you're faithful. Everybody knows you're faithful to all of those one. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Unknown Speaker  45:46  
I slammed her.

Namon  45:50  
I know, right? It's, it's been a long day, I haven't really eaten. So that's just basically it. Mm hmm. I'm sorry.

Richard Dodds  45:59  
Is this okay? So I mean, I guess, just moving right along. The last thing I'll just say is that it's always communication is key, but not just communication with the other person, but just being true and honest to yourself. 100% Because sometimes, if you take time and you take stock, and you're honest, you're gonna look for for a minute you get out of that infatuation for for a minute, and you really evaluate the situation, you might see that that might not be the situation for you. And you might

Namon  46:29  
like the stock word you used. Take stock. I love that word. You know why? Why? Because it, it simplifies value. You know, I mean, it signifies your value, like, that's the word like, Take stock of yourself, like, stalking yourself, you know, look at the value. Look at your value. Look at your worth. You know what I mean? Like, for example, a lot of people say, hey, you know, I'm not going to work at this job. They're not treating me right. They leave. But they do. They say the same thing in relationships, but they don't leave, but they stay. But they stay and you're not getting paid. And it's only getting worse.

Richard Dodds  47:10  
Yeah. I don't know. I mean, if somebody somebody said once, it's a quote, and saying, if you know how much you're worth, you'll never let anybody give you less.

Namon  47:21  
Oh, that's, that's nice. I love that. I love that quote. Yeah, I'm gonna start using that. Yeah, so

Richard Dodds  47:27  
if you know what you were, don't accept less like if you know that you were Red Lobster do not take McDonald's or right like

Namon  47:34  
or Applebee's man I still like I just have like this vivid imagery of this tight black jacket. This lady was wearing bro and it was just like, why would you wear this apple be? Like bringing me like really bad PTSD thinking about that raw chicken. I don't do raw chicken. Man. That's one thing. I do a lot of stuff. Raw Chicken is not on that list. Well,

Richard Dodds  47:58  
thank you ladies and gentlemen, for listening to be a part of the conversation. You can find us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter at Ricky man and please be sure to like and subscribe to our episodes on your favorite podcasting app. The DJ blue. I am DJ below

Namon  48:18  
as always interested to DJ blue?

Richard Dodds  48:21  
I am What do you got going on?

Namon  48:24  
Oh man, so many different things. So many different things. So many different things, so many different things. Okay, when

Unknown Speaker  48:29  
working with people. You can see there's so many different things.

Namon  48:35  
All all different types of social media, Instagram and Twitter. I am the DJ blue on those things. Check out my single to grow on pretty much all your platforms, Spotify, Apple Music title, Jesus network. If there's one Oh, I just want to say is it may be maybe I should talk and see if I can get that going. I mean, you can find me on all of those things. Check out the song tell me if you like a comment. I love making funny, interesting, loving creative projects, whether I'm you know, on the mic or talking to Richard.

Richard Dodds  49:17  
Your favorite part of the day, sir. Yeah, well, you can find me at das ism and as D O DD s. S M. And you can also listen to my other podcast that talks about issues from black perspective. And that podcast is called still talking black. So I hope you check it out and let me know what you think. But until next time, boys and girls remember,

Namon  49:39  
there's always the next

Richard Dodds  49:42  
relationship talks. We're wikiname And as a crown culture media LLC production that is produced by me, Richard Dodds and our theme music is by the DJ

Transcribed by https://otter.ai